Are we all trying too hard? Why do we think we are never enough?

Is it just me or are we all just trying too hard?  Why is nothing ever enough, we want to be thinner or fitter, travel more, have more money, be more successful, have a deeper connection with our partner, be more spiritually enlightened, be a better daughter, wife, friend, mother . . . . challenging ourselves to be a better version is a good thing, but sometimes we get a little carried away.  Why can we not be content with things just the way they are? And with who we are? 

For me when I am feeling this way I find it helpful to get back to the simple things.  Finding joy in cooking a meal, reading a book, taking a walk, cleaning my house or grocery shopping seems to ground me.  Listening to music or sitting in quiet contemplation and just being in my body is also helpful.  One of the worst things we can do is judge ourselves, this is never helpful.  Judgement of self keeps us stuck in these destructive patterns of behaviour and I would challenge anyone who says they feel good when judging themselves.  Yes we need self discipline but that is very different from self judgement.  Self discipline with a compassionate understanding of ourself can bring many benefits and rewards, we feel empowered, a sense of accomplishment and encouraged. Self judgement does quite the opposite, we feel discouraged, useless, sad, mad and powerless. (Of course we often don't recognize this and then project it onto other people, but that is another whole topic!)

When we feel overwhelmed and are trying too hard we quite often say “I need to look after myself better”, this spurs us into action.  We book a massage, make a date with a friend, take a day off, go skiing, escape into a good book, etc.  These are all good things, but in the end the only way to truly take care of YOU, is to love and accept yourself EXACTLY as you are right NOW.  The irony of our humanness is that in our trying too hard we miss out on the simplicity and joy of just BEING. Believe me I know this is not easy, loving and accepting ourselves seems to be a life long challenge for most of us.  Seeing through all of our past conditioning can be a difficult process and the Universe seems to keep sending us things and people who remind us of that!  But it is worth it.  In the times that I have touched this deep love and acceptance of myself it has been nothing short of pure ecstasy.  While we may not be able to live in this place 100% of the time it is worth the discovery process to even get a glimpse.  So if only for a few minutes today, are you able to just sit and feel the deep unconditional love and acceptance for yourself? Go to your happy place, remember a moment in time when you felt immense joy, recall a situation when you felt really good about yourself or visualize a dream, whatever takes you from thinking to feeling.

The most important relationship you will ever have in your life is with yourself and the higher power that resides within and connects us all.  This is what is calling to you when you feel restless, unsettled and are trying too hard.  Keep seeking, keep asking and keep exploring but always with compassion, love and acceptance for YOU.
Much Love, Tracy   

Beginners Mind

It has been awhile since I have written and am happy to be back, thanks for your patience and understanding.  I have been working on some things and needed to experience them on a “real” level not just a “mind” level.  In September I went to Sedona, AZ to experience the energy vortex’s in that area.  As I sat on those beautiful red rocks, a few things came to me that I wanted to contemplate; one of them was Beginners Mind.  In yoga we bring this term into our practice, often we become so used to doing a posture that eventually we don’t feel it in our body anymore and thus the benefits are lessened.  By bringing a beginners mind into a posture we are able to experience it in a different way every time.  As I contemplated this I could see how this was applicable to every aspect of life.  We all have mental concepts about ourselves and others; we have preconceived beliefs about what is right and wrong, good and bad, likes and dislikes.  This means that at times it feels like we are going though our life on auto pilot and our personal growth becomes limited. Our patterns, thoughts and behaviors become who we think we are.  On a spiritual level I know this is not the case, so I began to bring some awareness of this into my life by watching my thoughts, actions and words.  Sometimes this was easy and very clear to me but other times not so much.  This weekend provided a good opportunity to be fully immersed in my old drama model and I was grateful that this morning I received some clarity around it. So of course wanted to share it with you all!  Our true authentic selves are a limitless field of possibilities, if you don’t believe that just look around you, there are countless stories of what humans are capable of, on a physical, mental and emotional level.  So what holds us back from fully BEING who we are?  If we apply the yoga term of Beginners Mind, perhaps that is part of it.  By using our established mental concepts and old patterns of behavior and thinking, we remain stuck in a holding pattern.  If you are feeling paralyzed, like something is missing, filling your life with busyness, blaming, unhappy, unsettled or unfulfilled then perhaps it is time to bring a Beginners Mind into your life.  The first step for me was recognizing an ingrained pattern of behavior (which thankfully I was able to see this weekend!), I was able to “see” my usual reaction, my usual thought pattern, my “go to” behavior.  Wow!! Light bulb moment this morning as Oprah would say!! To be honest as it was happening I was unable to stop it, change it or even see it.  My clarity came the following morning, as it always does for me, while doing yoga, meditating or contemplating a spiritual/inspirational teaching.  But you should follow your own way to clarity, for some people it is while doing a physical pursuit, spending time in nature, listening to music, etc. If you keep finding yourself in a familiar situation that you would like to change, bring some awareness to it.  Don’t try and analyze it at the time, believe me I have tried that and it does not work!  Just be curious about it and let it be, it may have to happen numerous times and each time just be interested.  If you really want to figure it out, spend some time in your chosen means of contemplation and one day you will “get it”.  I cannot tell you how important awareness has been in my life.  Often I have had to “see” it many times, but eventually when I do something is changed and I am able to experience a depth of understanding that I did not think was possible.  By using “Beginners Mind” as a focal point in my life (I even put a daily reminder in my phone calendar!) I have been able to change some long established patterns that to be honest brought me a lot of mental suffering in the past, for this I am ever grateful. If I can do it, so can you, give it a try, bring a Beginners Mind into all of your interactions and situations, be curious, stay interested, make space for clarity and allow your life to unfold in a richer, more meaningful way.  This is my wish for you!!

Turning Judgement into Non Judgement

Unfortunately judgement of others has become a huge part of our society, obsession with celebrity, social media, bullying, shaming, reality TV it has all contributed to us becoming a very judgmental population.  I find this disconcerting, and decided to look at the ways that I contribute to this by observing my own judgements.  I have to admit this was challenging and remains so, but here is my experience thus far. 

To even become aware that you are judging is difficult, our culture is so conditioned to it that we often don’t even realize we are doing it.  And so the first step for me was to recognize and become aware that I was judging.  I listened to my words, paid  attention to how I felt, watched my reactions to certain situations, people, conversations, etc.  When I became aware that I was judging I acknowledged it, I said to myself “judging”.  I experienced my awareness in my physical reaction/feeling to something someone said or did. I also became aware when I heard myself talking about someone else and being critical of their actions or words, and also when I resorted to righteousness, ie. “They deserve better”, “I know they are capable of more”, etc. really this was only justifying my judgement!

Once I became aware of a pattern in my judgement's, I could start to look at the unhealed emotions and fears underneath them. I found this to be one of the most difficult aspects, it has taken a long time of watching, awareness and contemplation and is still a work in progress (with a lot of assistance from my meditation practice!).  A lot of this introspection has required me to be very accepting of myself, we cannot change what we refuse to confront!  First I needed to acknowledge the darker aspects of myself.  Judging someone else for lying, cheating, needing attention, not taking personal responsibility, etc. is much easier than admitting it about yourself.  I began by seeing these things as just words, “controller”, “attention seeker”, “liar”, etc.  without labeling them as good or bad, simply acknowledging that it was an aspect of myself.  The next part was very difficult for me, but I believe it to be the most important part and that is NO judgement of yourself! If you’re reading this you obviously have a high degree of personal responsibility so you will understand this very well, no one is harder on us than we are on ourselves.  The problem with this is we become so caught up in trying NOT to judge and this only leads to more judgement – of OURSELVES!  Instead what I needed to do was release all judgement of ME first, then I was able to see myself in my judgement of others and the transformation began.  I have to admit I saw many of these glimpses in the "judgement mirror" quite frequently, over and over, year upon year, but that’s okay it has all led me to this moment in time and on this journey called life timing is everything.

Turning judgement into non judgement is making me more tolerant, accepting, compassionate and loving.  Does the world not need more of these qualities in all of us?  Will you join me in creating your own quality of non judgement? We can do this!  

Denial

The more time I spend on this planet and observe human behavior, including my own, the clearer I see that the single most significant impediment to success, whether it be material success or happiness is denial - denial of our "dark side".  All of the aspects of our personality that we label as "bad' are deeply buried and it is these traits that cause self-sabotage and prevent us from achieving wholeness; which is ultimately what will bring us the true success - happiness.

Let me start by first saying that YOU are not your personality and therefore none of these "bad" traits are actually YOU.  YOU are the divinity that resides in every living being, YOU are never ending and connected to all (often referred to as your soul, spirit, true or authentic self).  Your personality is what you use while in this body/human form to work on the evolution of your soul.  Unfortunately we seem to always be at battle with our personality when what we really need to do is make peace with it.  The path of that peace is wholeness.  Wholeness requires that we embrace and love ALL aspects of our personality not just what we like.  When we truly love another person; friend, lover, parent, child, we accept all aspects of them but for some reason we don't offer ourselves the same acceptance. In my observation a lot of it has to do with lack of awareness.  We just don't know what our dark side is, we are out of touch with it.  We have difficulty "seeing" what is holding us back and causing us pain. We blame others or our situation, we use distractions, all in an attempt to not allow those dark side traits to rise to the surface.  Even if we are able to get a glimpse of them we would rather deny then take a closer look.  The reality is that until we can embrace ALL of our personality we will not feel whole.

There are many good books written on shadow work (as it is often referred to) but I like the technique taught by Amanda Owen in her book The Power of Receiving.  I will describe it here as best I can but if you are serious about this work you may want to read this or another book on the topic.

Create a party in your mind.  This is your party so it can be whatever you want it to be, get creative. An elaborate fancy ballroom, a barn dance, a simple house party; it should be where you feel most comfortable.  All of the guests will be aspects of your personality, the "good" guests will be the first to arrive.  Generous, kind, loving, loyal  . . .  When you have welcomed everyone and they are all having a good time it is time to go to the closet and let out one of the "bad" guests.  When you greet your first closet guest they may be a little wary, after all you have banished them for a long time.  Be encouraging and show them that you want to be friends, take them around and introduce them to the other guests.  As any good party host does, keep an eye on them watching to make sure they are fitting in and having a good time (this may or may not happen the first time).When the party is over escort the "bad" guest back into the closet (this is necessary because if you let them fully out too soon they will act up!), be aware of any changes in your "bad" guest when you say goodbye.  Do they seem a little more amiable, more relaxed or still wary and distant?  You may need to do this many times with many different guests, but the results will be worth it!

When you begin to embrace, accept and love all aspects of yourself you will feel the wholeness that we all desire.  The truth is that many of the things that we have labelled as "bad" are actually useful and necessary, we just need to get to know them better.  It is in our denial that they turn ugly; as any one would if locked up in a closet and not given any love and affection!  Depending on how long they have been locked up this will be a long and sometimes difficult process, but as you take each step and see the benefits I hope you will continue.  If you truly take an honest look at your life you will see that anytime you denied anything it did not turn out well. Even if you managed to lie your way out of it and convince everyone, YOU still knew it was not true and have to live with the negativity that it brings into your life. The same is true of your dark side, you can leave it in the closet and let it get ugly or you can befriend it, embrace it and become WHOLE.

Other good books I would recommend are:

Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford and

The Shadow Effect by Deepak Chopra and Debbie Ford

Abandoned

If you lost a parent or primary caregiver as a child, whether by death, separation, divorce or emotional unavailability, you will be familiar with abandonment issues.  My Dad died when I was 10 years old and as my mother struggled to provide for 3 small children she ended up in a difficult marriage that consumed her emotions.  While I have always been aware of my abandonment issues, I had not fully understood the depths to which we store these feelings.  This week I was fortunate to touch that place and I wanted to share my story with you in the hope that if you are living with abandonment issues you will know you are not alone and that it is possible to heal it.

When my dad was dying, he told my mom in the last month before he died that he did not want her to bring us to see him.  He did not want his daughters to remember him as the withered away man he was becoming as cancer ravaged his body.  As a child I accepted this, as we usually do, because we trust that our parents know what is best for us.  In my 20’s I was able to resolve my “mother issues” with my Mom after having an open and honest conversation with her about how I felt, and I am very grateful to her for the beautiful way she handled it.  Unfortunately when someone dies there is no ability to have this conversation.  I did what many of us do; I talked myself into believing that I was okay with it all.  “Really how did it affect me?” “He only did what he thought was right”, “I am fine”, “I turned out okay with no ill effects”.  As I became older and wiser and began my journey of self discovery, I was able to see the ways that this “abandonment”  had played out in my life.  This awareness was helpful and comforting, but was coming from an intellectual place; I had not released it from my heart.

Abandonment issues will play out differently for all of us, depending on many factors.  In my life the most recognizable to me was my tendency to close off when people would get close to me - reject before being rejected.  This comes from a fear of being hurt (or abandoned again), it can take years to get through the layers of hurt, anger and resentment we have built up to see this fear clearly, but it is necessary for our freedom. I had most recently become aware of it as I re entered the dating world after 27 years.  Thankfully I spent the past year and a half alone, caring for myself, getting to know myself intimately and opening to new possibilities. From this centered place, I have been able to see many of my entrenched patterns and fears and now I was watching them play out in a new aspect of my life, dating.

As I struggled to manage my feelings around all of this, I realized I needed to do what I tell everyone else to do, look after yourself!  So I signed up for Yoga, Books and Wine at my yoga studio, I had participated before and loved it.  The book was Faith by Sharon Salzberg and it seemed I needed to learn to have some faith in myself!  Sitting in my yoga and meditation room, incense and candles burning, feeling very zen, I was finishing up the final chapter.  As I read her story about going to see one of her beloved teachers as he was dying, she wrote these words “I realized it was the first time in my life that I had been able to say goodbye to someone I loved”. Immediately I was overwhelmed with emotion; I felt the long buried feelings rising up in my body.  Using my Relax and Release technique I continued to breathe through the emotion, feeling it and allowing it.  I allowed the pain to move through me as I spoke to my dad and to myself.  “I forgive you Dad for doing what you thought was best at the time”, “I have compassion for 10 year old Tracy that you trusted this was for your own good and you did not have the ability to voice otherwise”, “I understand that you have pulled away and closed off and not been honest with yourself for many years, but again this was the best you knew how to do at the time.” After this experience, I felt lighter, freer and more open.  Using these experiences to deal with and release my stored negative energies has been so beneficial to my life.  The gift that we are given by our creation/creator is the ability to feel emotion while in our human experience.  But so many times we push it away, the tears, the pain, even the joy, for what?  To look good in others eyes?  To hide our true selves?  Because it is uncomfortable? What are we here on this earth for then?  Do we just go through the motions of life, participating but not appreciating? Do we see but not experience? For me each time I have been able to understand, release, and open a little more to my true self, I become more connected to my soul.  This in turn makes me feel more connected to the souls of every living being.  It is this connection that allows us to see each other as parts and extensions of ourselves, and it is this connection that brings the peace and happiness that we all desire. Don’t’ shy away from your feelings, don’t suppress them, stand inside of them, own them and share the beauty you uncover with all of us! 

Does Reality actually exist? Or is it all about Perception?

A few months ago there was a social media frenzy around a picture of a blue and black dress, or was it white and gold?  People were incensed, fascinated, and bewildered by how this was possible.  Then came all of the biological and scientific explanations, even I got caught up in trying to understand them (with much difficulty I might add!). But that is like using a 20 year old computer to run today’s programs and apps.  We currently use only a fraction of the computing power that our brain is capable of, so 20 years from now we will find these same “explanations” out dated.  In the end does it really matter if the dress was blue or black or white or gold? No it doesn’t, what seemed to matter most was who was right and who was wrong.  This was a good lesson for all of us in perception and our own need to be right or wrong.  When two people are in an argument often times we say, there is her side of the story, his side of the story and the facts.  But really what are the facts?  And who is going to decide what they are?  Again, whoever decides is using their “perception”.  So really are there any facts?  Does a one Reality actually exist?  I don’t have the answer, sorry, but I think it is time we challenged this concept.  I believe the first step is challenging our own belief’s and concepts about ourselves.  I started this process some weeks back when I decided to “renounce my self image and release all of the ideas and concepts I had about myself and just be” (see my post on Self Image – March 20 2015).  What I discovered is that not only did it open me up to new ideas and concepts about myself but it also opened me up to seeing other people’s perspective. Through my new found awareness, I began to understand how I had created the ideas and concepts about myself; based on my own past conditioning, and was then able to see how others had done it as well. What I conceived as “reality” was only my perception and I now know that can be changed.  Just like it was when I was sure the dress was white and gold until I saw the blue and black one on Ellen!!

And so I challenge you to give some consideration to what you believe is your reality or thee reality.  Could it just be your perception? Are you willing to let down your guard enough to consider some one else’s perspective?  You don’t have to agree or disagree with it but at the very least can you try and understand it? Maybe start with yourself as I did, challenge some of your own concepts and ideas about yourself.  Growth and progress are only possible when we challenge what we believe to be real, ask any innovator.  Be the innovator or your own life and let’s see what you can come up with!

I look forward to hearing what you discover!!

Self Image.

Self image is a hot topic these days.  Body shaming, fitness crazes, celebrity obsession, why are these issues so prevalent in our current society?  Is social media to blame?  Have we become a superficial human race?  Is this only a North American problem or does it happen all over the world?  Most of these issues are concerned with the outer impression of our perceived self image, but as is always the case, whatever is going on on the outside is only a reflection of what is going on in the inside.  Perhaps instead of addressing the outer issue of self image we should first look on the inside.

Take a few minutes to contemplate how you have arrived at your inner self image.  Do you consider yourself a nice person, an angry person, an intelligent person, a nurturer, a provider?  We have all created a persona, based on belief’s we have about ourselves.  So how did we create these belief’s?  Were we born with them, did we learn them in childhood or in adulthood?  Have any of these belief’s changed over the years, or have they remained the same?  How have these belief’s shaped my life, my relationships, my job choices?  After some time contemplating these questions I realized that many of these belief’s I had created about myself were no longer serving me.  I wondered how I had come to create them and if they could be changed.  You can start by watching and listening to your language and your thoughts.  Do you say/think things like, “that’s just the way I am”, “I am a responsible person”, “I wish I wasn't a procrastinator”, “I am a worrier”, “I need to be needed”, anything that involves the word (or letter I guess) I.  This is the self image you have created for yourself.  But what if I told you that this self image is who you WERE not who you ARE?  What if you could no longer identify yourself as any of these things?  Who would you be?  I find this question very exciting, but I know many of you will not.  We hold onto these concepts and ideas of ourselves because it provides protection from the unknown.  If we are certain of who we are then we can behave in ways that align with this concept and that gives us a sense of comfort.  In order to embark on this journey you will need to get comfortable with the unknown and you will need to let go of fear.  But how exciting would it be to be able to create yourself every minute of the day? To adapt to an ever changing set of circumstances, to see things with a new set of eyes, to stop the incessant thoughts of not good enough, not smart enough, not successful enough . . .

So much of our mental noise and suffering comes from our perceived failure to live up to our own created self image.  How crazy is that?  Even crazier to me is how we created that self image. We took things that people said to us, our parents, teachers and bosses and decided that they must be right.  Does that make sense to you?  Even if they were right at that particular time, are they still right today?  This is how it happens:  I became aware a few years ago that I was obsessed with numbers.  I judged everything in life based on numbers.  I calculated, analyzed and placed almighty importance on whether or not the numbers added up.  One day I thought, why am I so obsessed with numbers?  Was I like this as a child? Definitely not.  When did this change?  I recalled an incident that occurred at my first job out of college.  I was working at the bank and in the first few months I struggled to balance my cash.  After a 3 month probationary period I was called into the manager’s office and told that they would need to extend my probation to see if my balancing improved otherwise they would have to let me go. The fear of losing my job after it had taken months to land one, led to the creation of my belief that the numbers need to be “right” for me to be safe.  Over the years I had solidified this belief by my perception that in all cases, if the numbers came out right, then everything else worked out.  What I was missing out on was seeing the benefit of creative pursuits.  I had been talking about starting up a business women’s group but had not been able to follow through on it because I was so concerned about the numbers, ie. if 20 women did not show up the first night I would be disappointed.  Once I let go of the numbers I was able to pursue my dream of creating a business women’s group for self employed women to share their struggles and successes.  Ironically we are now a tight knit group of 6 women which we all prefer it because everyone has a voice, which probably wouldn't have happened if the group was larger.  When I have been able to identify when and why I created a belief, I am able to rationalize and see that I am no longer that same person or child and that it was only the circumstances AT THAT time that led to it.  If we can recognize our patterns and pin point the moment when we first believed that this behavior would “save” us, we can then change it.  Another example was my recognition of being a caregiver and having to look after everyone else at the expense of my own needs.  I become resentful, victimized and powerless and this did not feel good.  Again upon contemplation I remembered an incident at my father’s funeral when I was 11 years old.  My aunt came to me and said now it is just you and your Mom and you need to look after her.  My Mom remarried a short time later and it was a difficult marriage for her. In my 11 year old mind I did not feel that I had done a good job of looking after my Mom and this guilt led me to spend many years trying to make up for it by looking after everyone else. I was often in “rescuer/victim” relationships and friendships where I could play out this role.  Once I had this awareness I was able to understand that it was not my “job” at 11 years old to look after my Mom and I could forgive 11 year old Tracy for what she saw as a failure. 

Thankfully I have been able to do this work and free myself from many of my patterns and created beliefs.  I do understand though, through my own experience, that many of the ideas and concepts we have created are very difficult to break free from even with awareness.  The conditioning, the circumstances, the words, the actions, are often buried very deep, they also bring a sense of comfort because good or bad it is what we know.  I have learned to do this work with compassion and gentleness for myself and recognize that it may take months and even years to fully release some ideas and concepts, and that’s okay – Rome wasn't built in a day!  I can tell you that the peace and contentment I have found from releasing even part of my self image and being free to just BE has brought me much happiness.  It has reduced my obsessive thinking to a manageable level; it has helped me grow and evolve as a person and has brought the right people and events into my life.  I am filled with a sense of love for myself and others and feel fully present in my life for the first time. Clearing out the self image of who you WERE and being open to being who you ARE is the path to freedom.  My wish for you all is that you take a step on that path today by using this affirmation that I say to myself every day (or many times a day!)

Onward and upward fellow path travellers.