Abandoned

If you lost a parent or primary caregiver as a child, whether by death, separation, divorce or emotional unavailability, you will be familiar with abandonment issues.  My Dad died when I was 10 years old and as my mother struggled to provide for 3 small children she ended up in a difficult marriage that consumed her emotions.  While I have always been aware of my abandonment issues, I had not fully understood the depths to which we store these feelings.  This week I was fortunate to touch that place and I wanted to share my story with you in the hope that if you are living with abandonment issues you will know you are not alone and that it is possible to heal it.

When my dad was dying, he told my mom in the last month before he died that he did not want her to bring us to see him.  He did not want his daughters to remember him as the withered away man he was becoming as cancer ravaged his body.  As a child I accepted this, as we usually do, because we trust that our parents know what is best for us.  In my 20’s I was able to resolve my “mother issues” with my Mom after having an open and honest conversation with her about how I felt, and I am very grateful to her for the beautiful way she handled it.  Unfortunately when someone dies there is no ability to have this conversation.  I did what many of us do; I talked myself into believing that I was okay with it all.  “Really how did it affect me?” “He only did what he thought was right”, “I am fine”, “I turned out okay with no ill effects”.  As I became older and wiser and began my journey of self discovery, I was able to see the ways that this “abandonment”  had played out in my life.  This awareness was helpful and comforting, but was coming from an intellectual place; I had not released it from my heart.

Abandonment issues will play out differently for all of us, depending on many factors.  In my life the most recognizable to me was my tendency to close off when people would get close to me - reject before being rejected.  This comes from a fear of being hurt (or abandoned again), it can take years to get through the layers of hurt, anger and resentment we have built up to see this fear clearly, but it is necessary for our freedom. I had most recently become aware of it as I re entered the dating world after 27 years.  Thankfully I spent the past year and a half alone, caring for myself, getting to know myself intimately and opening to new possibilities. From this centered place, I have been able to see many of my entrenched patterns and fears and now I was watching them play out in a new aspect of my life, dating.

As I struggled to manage my feelings around all of this, I realized I needed to do what I tell everyone else to do, look after yourself!  So I signed up for Yoga, Books and Wine at my yoga studio, I had participated before and loved it.  The book was Faith by Sharon Salzberg and it seemed I needed to learn to have some faith in myself!  Sitting in my yoga and meditation room, incense and candles burning, feeling very zen, I was finishing up the final chapter.  As I read her story about going to see one of her beloved teachers as he was dying, she wrote these words “I realized it was the first time in my life that I had been able to say goodbye to someone I loved”. Immediately I was overwhelmed with emotion; I felt the long buried feelings rising up in my body.  Using my Relax and Release technique I continued to breathe through the emotion, feeling it and allowing it.  I allowed the pain to move through me as I spoke to my dad and to myself.  “I forgive you Dad for doing what you thought was best at the time”, “I have compassion for 10 year old Tracy that you trusted this was for your own good and you did not have the ability to voice otherwise”, “I understand that you have pulled away and closed off and not been honest with yourself for many years, but again this was the best you knew how to do at the time.” After this experience, I felt lighter, freer and more open.  Using these experiences to deal with and release my stored negative energies has been so beneficial to my life.  The gift that we are given by our creation/creator is the ability to feel emotion while in our human experience.  But so many times we push it away, the tears, the pain, even the joy, for what?  To look good in others eyes?  To hide our true selves?  Because it is uncomfortable? What are we here on this earth for then?  Do we just go through the motions of life, participating but not appreciating? Do we see but not experience? For me each time I have been able to understand, release, and open a little more to my true self, I become more connected to my soul.  This in turn makes me feel more connected to the souls of every living being.  It is this connection that allows us to see each other as parts and extensions of ourselves, and it is this connection that brings the peace and happiness that we all desire. Don’t’ shy away from your feelings, don’t suppress them, stand inside of them, own them and share the beauty you uncover with all of us!