I had a couple of opportunities this weekend to work with anger and it proved once again my theory that anger is usually a cover up for fear or hurt.
As usual when I felt
anger rising up in me I went into my “tape playing” I call it, immediately I
start going over and over in my mind what I am going to say to this
person.
It becomes all about trying to
get the reaction or response I want or at the very least to let them know that
I am MAD (which in this case really meant HURT).
Fortunately in both cases I was able
to distance myself in the immediate moment of the anger (this is quite often my
response as I need time to process), this turned out to be the best thing for
me and the other person.
After playing
the tapes over and over in my head I decided to sleep on it.
When I woke up in the morning and no longer
had the anger burning inside me I was able to ask myself in a calm clear
manner what this was about for me.
It
turned out in both cases I was feeling;
not heard, not seen and not a priority.
These are basic needs for all of us and when
they are not getting met we fall into our destructive patterns of behaviour that
we have used in the past to get them met (although usually on a temporary
basis).
As I work on changing these old
patterns, I was very proud of myself that I ended up not lashing out.
I was able to clearly state my position as
I felt it with no blaming, guilting or
condescending.
It took a lot of
discipline to put aside my anger/hurt and really look inside myself, but when I
was able to do this it felt so right.
Its like it no longer has a hold on you, the pain disappears and you
feel peaceful and at ease. It’s the trying to control the situation or the
person that brings the pain.
While we
often think this is easier it really is not.
Look inside yourself, find what is going on for YOU and then do what you
need to do to get that need met.
Watch
your emotions rising and then look beneath them, sit quietly, sleep on it, go
for a walk in nature, journal, whatever works for you. Its time to stop
allowing these destructive patterns of behaviour from controlling our lives.
Let go of the anger, the fear and the hurt and take ownership of your own emotions
and your reactions to them and change your life!
As usual when I felt
anger rising up in me I went into my “tape playing” I call it, immediately I
start going over and over in my mind what I am going to say to this
person. It becomes all about trying to
get the reaction or response I want or at the very least to let them know that
I am MAD (which in this case really meant HURT). Fortunately in both cases I was able
to distance myself in the immediate moment of the anger (this is quite often my
response as I need time to process), this turned out to be the best thing for
me and the other person. After playing
the tapes over and over in my head I decided to sleep on it. When I woke up in the morning and no longer
had the anger burning inside me I was able to ask myself in a calm clear
manner what this was about for me. It
turned out in both cases I was feeling; not heard, not seen and not a priority. These are basic needs for all of us and when
they are not getting met we fall into our destructive patterns of behaviour that
we have used in the past to get them met (although usually on a temporary
basis). As I work on changing these old
patterns, I was very proud of myself that I ended up not lashing out. I was able to clearly state my position as I felt it with no blaming, guilting or
condescending. It took a lot of
discipline to put aside my anger/hurt and really look inside myself, but when I
was able to do this it felt so right.
Its like it no longer has a hold on you, the pain disappears and you
feel peaceful and at ease. It’s the trying to control the situation or the
person that brings the pain. While we
often think this is easier it really is not.
Look inside yourself, find what is going on for YOU and then do what you
need to do to get that need met. Watch
your emotions rising and then look beneath them, sit quietly, sleep on it, go
for a walk in nature, journal, whatever works for you. Its time to stop
allowing these destructive patterns of behaviour from controlling our lives.
Let go of the anger, the fear and the hurt and take ownership of your own emotions
and your reactions to them and change your life!
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