I Wanna See you Be BRAVE!! . . . .let the words fall out.

The need to be Seen, Heard and Valued.

Many times when I look below my emotions I find that the need underlying them is not being seen, heard and valued.  I think this is one of the most important needs of the human species and goes back to our innate need to connect with other humans.  Brene Brown defines connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”, and I believe this is at the heart of our need to be seen and heard.  Sometimes we want it so badly that we resort to unhealthy ways to get this need met.  We seek attention, become people pleasers, use harsh words, try manipulation tactics, play the victim, get angry, whatever our ego tells us will get us seen and heard.  As a participant in this game I can tell you, while some of these things may work temporarily they are never lasting and never feel good or eliminate the “need”.  So what is a healthy way to be seen and heard?  First of all I can tell you that trying to deny it doesn’t work, telling yourself you don’t need it or that it’s only important that you value yourself (this should already be the case) are avoidance tactics.  For me it was acknowledging it, accepting it and then focusing on the people who do see and hear me not on the ones who don’t!  We can often become so focused on trying to convince that one person to see and hear us we are missing the fact that there are many others who DO!  The other thing that I feel is very important speaks to the “you reap what you sow” philosophy, so if you want to be seen and heard then you need to be present for the people in your life, so that YOU are seeing and hearing them.  Being present requires your attention, interest, fascination and focus.  This can only be given when you are feeling loved, centered and grounded yourself, so keep that in mind when someone is not able to see and hear you.  It really isn't YOU it is THEM. So focus on what YOU can do to get this need met, speak from your heart, listen to your heart, stay present, do what feeds your soul, be authentic and when someone in your life is unable to value you because of their own issues then accept this and if necessary let them go. As always the path to getting our needs met is by first recognizing what they are.  Pay attention to your emotions, especially anger and “poor me” and look below to see if perhaps you are not being seen, heard and valued in some aspect of your life.  Then find a healthy way to get that need met. Pay attention, be creative, be authentic, be present and attract in the people who do see, hear and value you and you WILL reap what you sow! 

Confrontations

This is a big one for me, I am in business for myself, mother of two grown children and a confident woman of nearly 50 and yet after all these years I am still not comfortable with confrontation.  There are a few reasons for this; I just want everyone to be happy, I don’t want others to feel that my way is the right way and I need time to process.  I have learned a lot about the process along the way, and while I may not always be comfortable with it I have found ways of making it work for me.  First and foremost I need to be okay with asking for time to process.  If someone confronts me I know it is okay to say “I need time to think about this”, and if I am going to be doing the confronting, I need to take the time to make sure that my intention is for the best purpose.  Once I have this in place then I make a commitment to maintaining an open mind about the others perspective and let go of any expectations.  Our instinct is always to fear the worst, but the reality is it is usually far worse in our minds then it is in reality.  And if not, at the very least we have shared our feelings and the other person cannot ever say that they were not aware of them.  Another tool I have found helpful is to begin the conversation with an email.  There is so much stigma around airing your concerns in emails, but as a writer I find it much easier to express myself in writing.  This may not be the case for everyone, but we all need to do what works for us. I also like to receive them as it allows me the time I need to process, and often I am able to better understand the others position after some consideration. Herein lies the problem, often when a confrontation is initiated, both parties “react” emotionally in the moment.  It becomes an “I’m right you’re wrong” scenario and the elevated emotions make it impossible to have a fair outcome. Believe me I know it is very difficult to maintain your composure when someone is “going at you”, that’s why taking a step back can be helpful. I used to go over and over in my mind what and how I would say something to ensure the best possible outcome for ME.  Now I am more concerned about my intention and a resolution than I am about the words I use or about being right.  I ask myself first, is this really important to me?  Do I need to voice my concerns so I can let it go?  Is my intention for good or do I just want to be right?  Am I being fair and reasonable?  And the most important question to ask: Will I be able to have no expectations and be unattached to the outcome?  I cannot tell you how important this is.  All of this preparation will allow you to remain grounded and centered if things get heated.  Just like a good negotiation, a good confrontation should result in both people walking away having felt that they were SEEN and HEARD.  In an ideal world all “confrontations” would end with this result, but unfortunately that is not reality.  So the best we can do is go into all of our confrontations with the right intention and let go of any expectations about the outcome, other then hope for a fair resolution and our own peace of mind afterward.  Realizing there is nothing we can do to control or predict another’s behaviour or reactions. I know I will never really be totally comfortable with confrontation, but I do know that it needs to be done, is often productive and is just another important form of communication.  

Good luck and Happy Confrontations!!

p.s. If you are one of the few that are fine with confrontation, I hope you will still do some preparation to ensure that at the very least you go into each one of them with the best intention.

Staying grounded in challenging times.

I have been dealing with some challenging times over the past couple of months.  For the most part I have managed to stay grounded; however I have also had moments of distress, sadness, anger and feeling overwhelmed.  A few things are helping me cope and I wanted to share them with you.

Absolutely the most important thing has been my meditation practice; I can’t imagine how I would manage without time in silence and reflection.  It centers me, takes the fogginess from my mind and gives me the peace and clarity I need to make the necessary decisions.  The second tool that has been invaluable is self care.  Knowing when I am overwhelmed and need to take a step back.  Giving myself what I need, time alone, a bath, a walk in nature, a cup of tea, some supportive words from a friend, recognizing this need and acting on it allows me to recharge.  The other thing that has really helped keep me grounded are my children.  They are 18 and 21 years old and what I love about them is they totally live in the moment.  They deal with everything on a “need to” basis.  This reminds me everyday to live in the moment, to take one step at a time and not worry or stress about what is further down the road.  Everything always works out just the way it needs to and "allowing it" makes it much more enjoyable.  I have a few more months until most of my challenges will be over and I will continue to use these tools to make a smooth transition. On the darker days when nothing seems to help, my strategy has been and will continue to be to allow it, watch it, learn from it, gather strength, let it go and move forward.  In my experience a bad day always opens up to a better one.  And so I will carry on, working through the challenges and savoring the joy of each accomplishment.  I know through it all, I will be stronger, emotionally healthier and so much more aware.  And when it is all done, I am looking forward to a summer of FUN! After all what is the value of hard work if it is not followed by a celebration!!!

Sex and our basic instinct.

I can’t believe it has taken me this long to write about this subject.  As anyone who knows me can attest, this topic will inevitably come up sometime in a conversation with me.  Mainly because I am so fascinated by the human mind and body but also because everyone loves to talk about it!  So why do we all love to talk about sex?  I believe it is because it is the one thing that we all have in common.  No matter what your race, religion, status, place of residence or life circumstances we all share the same instinct.  The human species is part of the animal kingdom and the reality is, as is the case with all animals, sex is a natural instinct designed to carry out the propagation of the species. So lets start here, the basics are that males and females mate (have sex) in order to carry on their genetic line in the creation of a new life.  Of course the evolution of humans (and some other species as well) has significantly changed these “basics”. Here in lies the problem and is what makes this topic so interesting. After nearly 50 years on this planet I have seen the evolution of sex and I am sure it will continue to evolve even more rapidly in the years ahead.  My hope is that this evolution is based on love, respect and honouring our bodies and not on the ego driven needs of attention, power and domination.

I believe that we all have the natural born instinct to have sex, for men and women as is the case in the animal kingdom the needs of each are a little different.  While it is pleasurable for both, men are designed to mate with the desire to impregnate, while women are designed to mate with the desire to find a suitable father.  If we take this concept into the human species and then add in emotions, perceptions, learned behavior, societal norms and beliefs we seem to be in a constant battle.  All of these things change our view of sex and turn it from the beautiful life sustaining action that it was created for into a power struggle that causes so much suffering. From the era of the 1940’s and the badness of sex to the free love of the 1960’s through the sexual revolution of the 90’s and 2000’s we have definitely liberated and opened up the topic, but there is still much to be done.  If I go back to my spiritual belief’s I believe a lot of the problems, as is always the case, originate in our thinking minds.  We are bombarded in the media with images, words and characters that are some how suppose to “show” us what is or is not sexually appropriate.  Our thinking mind and our ego begin to process all of this information, combine it with what we have been taught and we create beliefs about our sexuality.  These beliefs are not always healthy or realistic.  So how do we start the process of healthy sexual evolution in the human species?  First of all we must acknowledge that sex is a natural instinct, we cannot deny it.  Barring medical conditions, we all need to act on this impulse, either alone or with a partner.  Denying it only sends it “underground” and leads to unhealthy behaviors.  Secondly, we must open up the dialogue about sexual expression with our children.  They need to understand that their “feelings” are perfectly natural and that they should respect them in themselves and others.  Thirdly, we must all work at maintaining our own level of self respect and self love so that we are not drawn into the sexual power struggle.  We need to stop using sex to control others, to show dominance and to get attention and recognize that at times our needs may be different from the needs of our partner. If we check in with ourselves first to see exactly why we are doing this and make sure that our intention is healthy and respectful and the other person does this as well then it will be a beautiful expression of our natural instinct.  If one or the other party enters into it with an ego based need, then someone will come away from it not feeling good.  Being respectful of each other and communicating clearly can alleviate many of the potential issues. I understand that a lot of my ideas about sex and its evolution require a significant amount of self awareness, self confidence, self love and a loving and open heart, but hey we need to start somewhere.  It is just another reason why I am so passionate about personal growth and the path of love.  Imagine how absolutely wonderful the experience of sex would be if we were able to express ourselves freely and naturally and completely enjoy the pleasure and expression it was meant to offer. Let it be so!

Breath. . . .Breathe your way.

For anyone who has ever done yoga or meditation you will be familiar with the words “follow your breath”, “pay attention to your breath”, “watch your breath”.  Having done yoga and meditation for a number of years, I am very familiar with this concept, but have to admit that until recently I didn’t fully understand why it is so important.  I often had difficulty “watching” my breath in meditation, preferring instead to watch my thoughts (mindfulness) or recite a mantra (concentration), but on my quest for finding and living my authentic self, I had a light bulb moment.  I often talk about the duality of the human condition, our ego/mind and our authentic self/soul.  One morning during meditation it struck me how we use our mind to try and control our breathing (mostly unconscious based on our thoughts), we shorten it, hold it, release it, deepen it, lengthen it. . .  but our "mind" cannot stop or start it.  Breath comes from your soul, it stops and starts and breathes regardless of what “thoughts” are in your mind, and following it leads directly to your authentic self.  Okay many of you may have already figured this out; it just took me a little longer! It’s always interesting to me how we can hear, study and read the great teachings that have been sent down to us, but we only “get it” when we are ready to fully integrate it into our lives. I wanted to share this story with the hope that it may help someone have their own “light bulb” moment and also to confirm that we need to stay the course of our learning and growing as we never know when we may get that one tidbit that makes all the difference. Today I am much more aware of my breath, both during mediation and through out the day.  By following it, watching it and paying attention to it I am able to seek the comfort and wisdom of my authentic self again and again!

Spiritual or Religious.

What does spirituality mean to you? Do you consider yourself a spiritual or religious person? Is it important to believe in something?  Having been raised in a traditional religious environment, I never fully understood what the difference between spirituality and religious really was until I was much older.  And while religion did not resonate with me, spirituality definitely did.  So what makes some people follow the religious path and others the spiritual path?  I believe part of it has to do with your basic personality and whether or not you tend to look for answers within or without. As I have talked about many times my way is to look within and I believe that is at the core of “spirituality”.  For those that look outside themselves, to a person/philosophy/belief etc for their answers I believe to be “religious”.  Both of these serve a purpose and are necessary for growth and enlightenment in the world.  In the end everyone is on their own path in this life and needs to follow what works for them.  I always remember the Dalai Lama saying that he first thought that Buddhism was the only way people could reach enlightenment, but now he understands that there are many different paths one can take.  I totally agree! When we have an experience in our lives, either religious or spiritual that brings us so much joy and happiness, we want to share it with everyone.  Sometimes our pesky ego gets a little too involved in this process and we try to “convince” others that our way should be their way.  I will admit to being guilty of this myself in the past, but have come to realize that the best way I can inspire others is by sharing and living my story.  I believe that it is very important to have a belief in something greater than yourself and that your life and the lives of others will be enriched by this.  But all of this needs to come in its own time and in its own way.  Many times we have to experience a complete separation from the Divine in order to come back to it and fully realize it.  I know for me it has been a journey, one step at a time.  I sometimes think why couldn’t I have fully understand that a few years ago, but the reality is I was not ready (I don’t always have a lot of patience!).  When you are ready to “get it” it will feel like the most natural thing and the piece will fit nicely into your puzzle. Eventually all of the pieces fit together and create the most beautiful picture of your life. This unique picture is what you share with the world and is your destiny. It is what makes the world a better place, it is the difference you make by having lived in it.

Follow your own way . . . .  to love, compassion and living your destiny!