Confrontations

This is a big one for me, I am in business for myself, mother of two grown children and a confident woman of nearly 50 and yet after all these years I am still not comfortable with confrontation.  There are a few reasons for this; I just want everyone to be happy, I don’t want others to feel that my way is the right way and I need time to process.  I have learned a lot about the process along the way, and while I may not always be comfortable with it I have found ways of making it work for me.  First and foremost I need to be okay with asking for time to process.  If someone confronts me I know it is okay to say “I need time to think about this”, and if I am going to be doing the confronting, I need to take the time to make sure that my intention is for the best purpose.  Once I have this in place then I make a commitment to maintaining an open mind about the others perspective and let go of any expectations.  Our instinct is always to fear the worst, but the reality is it is usually far worse in our minds then it is in reality.  And if not, at the very least we have shared our feelings and the other person cannot ever say that they were not aware of them.  Another tool I have found helpful is to begin the conversation with an email.  There is so much stigma around airing your concerns in emails, but as a writer I find it much easier to express myself in writing.  This may not be the case for everyone, but we all need to do what works for us. I also like to receive them as it allows me the time I need to process, and often I am able to better understand the others position after some consideration. Herein lies the problem, often when a confrontation is initiated, both parties “react” emotionally in the moment.  It becomes an “I’m right you’re wrong” scenario and the elevated emotions make it impossible to have a fair outcome. Believe me I know it is very difficult to maintain your composure when someone is “going at you”, that’s why taking a step back can be helpful. I used to go over and over in my mind what and how I would say something to ensure the best possible outcome for ME.  Now I am more concerned about my intention and a resolution than I am about the words I use or about being right.  I ask myself first, is this really important to me?  Do I need to voice my concerns so I can let it go?  Is my intention for good or do I just want to be right?  Am I being fair and reasonable?  And the most important question to ask: Will I be able to have no expectations and be unattached to the outcome?  I cannot tell you how important this is.  All of this preparation will allow you to remain grounded and centered if things get heated.  Just like a good negotiation, a good confrontation should result in both people walking away having felt that they were SEEN and HEARD.  In an ideal world all “confrontations” would end with this result, but unfortunately that is not reality.  So the best we can do is go into all of our confrontations with the right intention and let go of any expectations about the outcome, other then hope for a fair resolution and our own peace of mind afterward.  Realizing there is nothing we can do to control or predict another’s behaviour or reactions. I know I will never really be totally comfortable with confrontation, but I do know that it needs to be done, is often productive and is just another important form of communication.  

Good luck and Happy Confrontations!!

p.s. If you are one of the few that are fine with confrontation, I hope you will still do some preparation to ensure that at the very least you go into each one of them with the best intention.