How well do you REALLY know “yourself”?

From the time we are born we are being molded by our parents, our teachers, our friends and society.  At some point during our adolescence we start to exert our own independence and begin the process of “finding ourselves”.  This is a difficult task.  We have been “taught” what is right and wrong, good and bad, but we aren’t really taught to explore our own BEING.  Everything we are taught comes from someone else’s perspective, is this our reality or theirs?  During our getting to know ourselves phase we face many obstacles; our parents don’t agree with our choices, society disagrees with our look, friends don’t accept us, and so we begin the process of creating a “self” that is acceptable to ALL. We become the friend we think everyone will like, the daughter/son our parents will approve of and we change our look to satisfy society.  Then we chose a life partner and want to please them and their family and friends.  Next we have children and become focused on “teaching” them our way. Life happens; we become wrapped up in our daily existence then at some point along this journey (usually referred to as a mid life crisis!) some of us become aware of the fact that we have forgotten who WE are and we swing the other way, once again choosing the path of rebellion.  So how do we figure out who WE REALLY are? Without the labels? Without the expectations? Without the need for acceptance and pleasing others? Without all of the stories that we tell ourselves? We have spent so long creating this “person” it is a challenge to see what exists underneath.  I have often asked people “what is the essence of you?”, “what feeds your soul?” many times I am confronted with dumbfoundness.  The usual response is to make it about something outside of ourselves, “I love golf”, “my children”, “my relationship”, all awesome replies, but none of them about YOU.

 Recently I had some awareness about my disappointment in my partner not wanting to get to know me.  I realized that this had been a theme in my life and I often cut people out if they showed no interest in getting to know ME.  My new awareness was that this was a projection, what I was really afraid of was getting to know MYSELF.  Letting go of who you think you are can be VERY scary, this mental concept of ourselves keeps us safe, makes us feel protected, it is familiar and it is accepted by others.  But what if we could see below all of the mental concepts we have created about ourselves?  What would we find “down” there?  Would we like this person? Could we be friends with them? Because I am always up for a good challenge I have begun to explore this on a deeper level.  I have made a commitment to myself to get to know ME, to ask those hard questions and the even harder part of acting on the answers.  Letting go of all of the mental concepts I have about myself and OPEN to what is and who exists below them.  Using my body as a tool to FEEL what is right or wrong for me, what is pulling me and what I am pushing away from.  Asking questions like, “if I sold everything I owned and was free to go and do whatever I want what would that look like?”  Listening to my own language and the way I react to others, for clues as to what is meaningful to ME.  Appreciating the symbolism in my dreams as hints to what is going on in my subconscious. Paying attention to when I get lost in time and space and spending time in contemplation and meditation to ask the questions and listen for the answers.

 Maybe this process is not for everyone, but I don’t want to go to my grave never having REALLY known myself. I know it will be hard, I know I will probably lose some people from my life, I know that things will change, I know that I will be uncomfortable, but I also know that I can do this and that it will be worth it.  I recently read a study of people who were on their death beds and were asked what they regretted most, none of them regretted anything they did (despite the pain it might have caused or the acceptance of it by others), what they regretted is what they didn’t do.  For me this process is about exploring those things that I don’t even know that I want to do, to look beyond my mind and thoughts, to move into BEING instead of away from it and to OPEN, OPEN, OPEN.  Join me?