The Disease of Being Right

Its been awhile since I have met you here and I appreciate your patience.  In mid December my husband (we were separated at the time) decided to end his own life.  The past 6 months I have been somewhat pulled back from the world while processing this event, my own grief and our children's grief.  My spiritual practices have brought me much comfort and I continue to expand my own awareness as we all move through this together.

In light of this event and many other events going on in the world today I have been contemplating the disease of being right.  Why do we all feel such a strong need to be right?  Whether it is in a minor disagreement about small household things or something larger such as religion or politics, everyone wants it their way.  I know this feeling well myself having spent much of my life wanting to be right and working very hard at it!  But through my life experience I have started to realize that really there is no joy in being right. Maybe some short term satisfaction yes, but nothing lasting.  So why do we continue to pursue it, often at all cost?  What would happen if we allowed someone else to be right?  What if we changed a belief, a pattern, a habitual way of thinking?  I have been practicing this in my own life and I can tell you, the world has not ended!  I'm not saying that I suddenly believe what someone else tells me, but at the very least I am open to incorporating it into my own beliefs or seeing some value in it.  What would happen if religions took this view?  What would happen if politicians took this view?  Could we create some actual meaningful discussion?

There is so much talk these days about tolerance, racism and acceptance of all, but none of that is going to change on a larger scale until we change it in our everyday lives. This means giving up our insatiable need to be right.  It means allowing someone else to have an opinion that is different from our own.  It means listening to others without the veil of our own mental concepts. It means not sharing social media posts that promote hate or are hurtful.  It means forgiving others for real and perceived injustices. It means seeing that all other human beings are just like you and that the differences you see have been learned (as have ours).  It means seeing our value in this world is not about being right, its about being compassionate. 

Being right seems to satisfy our need for safety and security.  If we are right or are able to convince someone else we are right then we are in control. I challenge you to  take a long hard look at this, because it is an illusion.  In my marriage my husband and I often struggled with our own need to be right, and as he slipped into the decent that lead to his suicide I could see how everyone around him was doing or saying what they thought was right for him, including myself.  This is what we do when we feel out of control.  Even he was trying to do what everyone thought was right.  In the end he made the choice that was right for him and it really does not matter at all if any one of us was right or not, the outcome remains the same.  Even if I could say my way was right, it changes nothing.  The grief still exists, the guilt  never ending, the regret suffocating. But there is also freedom in knowing I can let go of the need to be right.  Can you?

I can't say as I understand what it is like to be suicidal having never been there myself, but I can definitely tell you as someone who has been left behind the above quote is VERY true :(