Forgiveness . . . learned in Bali!

I just returned from a two and a half week vacation to Bali which included 12 days on a yoga and meditation retreat.  The trip was both a spiritual and personal journey filled with many insights, but none as profound as my forgiveness experience.

It was two days into our retreat and I was definitely struggling.  Adjusting to the new food and not feeling well, adjusting to doing yoga in 30 degree Celsius weather with 95% humidity and adjusting to being in a group setting with 24 strangers (okay 23 as I was attending with a friend from home!).  Add up all of this adjusting and even meditating (my usual respite) was challenging, so when the meditation teacher asked if we would be interested in learning a forgiveness practise I jumped at the chance to have something specific to focus my mind on.  I will explain the practise first in case any one is interested in trying it themselves and then share my personal experience with it.

This was our basic instruction – “Start by sitting comfortably, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, center yourself by relaxing into the rhythm of your breath.  When you feel relaxed, bring up a picture of someone who has hurt you; then say silently to that person – “For all of the hurt you have caused me, whether it was intentional or unintentional, by your actions, your words or even your thoughts, I forgive you”.  Keep repeating this phrase several times.  The next part is to picture someone that you have hurt and repeat the same phrase – “For all of the hurt that I have caused you, whether it was intentional or unintentional, by my actions, my words or even my thoughts, I ask for your forgiveness.”  The last part is to picture yourself and repeat the phrase again several times – “For all of the hurt that I have caused myself, whether it was intentional or unintentional, by my actions, my words or even my thoughts, I forgive myself.”

It is a beautiful practice, but the first time I did it I was overwhelmed with emotion.  The first part was easy for me, forgiving someone who has hurt me seemed natural for me, even forgiving myself (at least at this particular moment in time) was also fairly easy, but what I was unprepared for was the wellspring of emotion that arose when I had to ask someone else to forgive me for hurting them.  If the physical constriction in my heart and tears pouring down my face were not enough of an indicator, the overwhelming feeling of guilt spoke loud and clear about the unresolved emotion that lay buried deep within.  The outer reality is that this person has told me they have forgiven me many times, I also know in my heart that they have forgiven me, but what I came to realize after this experience is that I do not feel deserving of their forgiveness and therefore have not “received” it into my heart.  In the days ahead, I continued the forgiveness practise and it did become easier (when the emotion arose I would notice it and breathe through it), I also added into it a loving kindness practise for myself.  Using the phrase (silently) “May I be gentle and kind to myself” and then also sending that out to my family and friends and the whole world with “May all beings be gentle and kind to themselves”.  Ironically I found that as it became easier to ask for forgiveness it became more difficult to forgive myself, such is the ever changing and always interesting way of the heart.  On the fifth day of the retreat, after I had had some pretty revolutionary insights, we had a fire ceremony to release anything that we wanted to let go of, for me it was guilt and shame.  While I have been aware of my inner guilt and shame and have released it through various ways, it again reared its ugly head, once again proving how difficult it can be to undo all of the conditioning that we receive throughout our life.  Many times on this journey I have turned to methods of distraction to not have to deal with these emotions, and although sometimes a good distraction is in order, there is no way out . . . there is only going through it.  Fortunately for me this yoga and mediation retreat provided a safe and loving place to find my way through a few things and I am ever so grateful.  I feel such total and absolute relaxation and peace and I am thankful for having the courage to give myself this wonderful gift.  I truly believe that looking after yourself is not selfish; it is necessary so that you are able to offer all of your gifts and love to not only the people you are close to, but also to the whole world, with an open and loving heart.  Sometimes even those of us who are aware of this need a refresher and I was so happy to have mine in Bali!!

“May you all be kind and gentle to yourselves” – Much Love, Tracy