Shame.

I am writing this post today with an overwhelming sense of passion in my heart.  I am often incensed by the reality that there are still many people who use their own belief’s to shame others into converting to their way of thinking.  In doing this what you are saying is I am better than you, I know more than you, I have more faith than you, I am a better person than you. Who do you think you are?  Why is it your place to point out another’s “flaws”?  Does it make you feel better to shame someone? When you do does that make you right? Do you need to be right?  Do you feel better when you are? Does it make you more important?

Always ask yourself what is my motivation in saying/writing this? Of course you are always within your right to voice how you feel about someone or the situation, but the minute you say/write the word YOU (addressing the other person) it changes everything, now you are shaming them. No good has ever come from shaming, it is not motivating, it is not compassionate, and it does not come from love!  It comes from a place of insecurity and a need to put yourself above another.  It is self righteous!  How do you feel when you are being shamed? Angry, sad, hurt, disappointed?  Is it motivating for you?  If it does cause you to make a change is that change lasting?  Or have you made the change out of guilt? Do you hide things from the world or the people in your life because of it? Would it not have been better to feel respected, heard, valued? Would you have been more likely to listen to the others point of view if you did feel respected, heard and valued?  I am sure I don’t have to go on and on about the damage of shaming, unfortunately we are all much to familiar with it.

So the next time someone does something that you feel wrongs you (or another), before you lash out and shame them, do a little self discovery. Perhaps you can find the compassion in your heart to forgive them and accept that they are doing the best they can with what they know in this moment.  If you feel that you need to say something for your own cleansing or to share your passion, tread carefully.  Remember this is only an explanation of how YOU feel  and it is not meant to shame them into your way of thinking.  The only way to make a difference is by your own actions, be an example of your belief’s.  Explain that you were hurt, disappointed, angered, frustrated, etc by the situation/conversation (not by them).  Explain why you have difficulty with it, but do not force your opinion onto them. Ie. “I was very disappointed with our conversation.  I am passionate about_____ and it can be difficult for me to accept that not everyone shares my opinion.”  Or “I am sorry that this situation is not going to work out.  I feel very frustrated by the result as I have worked very hard to make it happen.”  Alternatively, perhaps it is a spring board for a more in-depth conversation.  Maybe there is something you both could learn from the situation or from each other.  Be curious, take your ego out of the equation and try and understand where the other person is coming from.  If it is an option, question them, listen, share your thoughts, try to see where they are coming from, very likely there is more common ground than you think. Give it a try.  At the end of the day the result you should be seeking is for growth on both sides.  If a discussion with the other person is not an option, then focus on your own personal growth and allow the other person to pursue their’s (whether they do or not is not your concern).  The biggest difference you can make in this world is by living your belief’s, not by forcing them on others.  Speak your truth, allow others to speak theirs and pray or hold the intention for all beings (including yourself)  to come to a place of enlightenment and love.  But do not SHAME!!!

 

When life gives you lemons . . .

Make lemonade?....Easier said than done?

Sometimes those lemons are REALLY big and sometimes they are small or medium sized but just as bitter nonetheless. A few years ago I read a book by a 5 time cancer survivor and she said when she feels sorry for herself, she gives herself 24 hours for a pity party, then she picks herself up, makes the best of the situation and carries on.  I really liked this and have adopted it in my life.  Its okay to feel bad, to feel like nothing is working out, that only bad things are happening to us, no one is able to help or understand us.  So feel bad, but at some point in those 24 hours you need to start picking yourself up.  I start by listing all of the things I am grateful for, all of the good things and people in my life (even if it is only one thing or one person).  Then I think about all of the people in the world who are much worse off than me.  Watch the news if you need any inspiration for this!!  No matter what we are going through there is ALWAYS someone else who is experiencing something much harder, physically, mentally or emotionally. If by now you are still not feeling better then do something for someone else.  Visit someone who is lonely, drop off some items at the food bank, talk to a homeless person, buy someone a cup of coffee or post an inspirational quote on Facebook.  By now 24 hours should be up and it is a better day.  I always ask "what is the one thing you can do today to make this better?"  Doing one thing (no matter how small) each and every day to improve our situation will eventually allow us to look back and say "I did it or I survived it".  There is so much strength and grace in overcoming adversity.  Don't be afraid of it, stand up to it, challenge it and ultimately overcome it.  Then the next time life gives you lemons you will say "Lemonade Anyone?"

okay I know its an orange not a lemon!! 

Sadness

Today I was consumed by sadness.  A sadness so deep that it caused an ache all over my body.  Have you ever felt that? A deep sadness that over takes you?  As I attempted to fight this overwhelming feeling I felt myself sinking deeper into it.  Finally I relented, I allowed it to over take me, I let it wash over me and around me and I felt it in every inch of my being.  I didn't know why, I didn't know how and I didn't know when it would stop.  But when I picked myself up and sat in the beauty that surrounds me I felt that sadness washing away.  It was replaced with a feeling of resolve, of survival.  Another lesson of leaning into the discomfort of our emotions, feeling it, allowing it and surviving it.  Makes me believe that anything is possible, the human spirit is indomitable.

 It is often darkest just before dawn.

What can be learned from jealousy?

Your friend gets engaged, a coworker receives a promotion or closes a big deal, an acquaintance is moving to Tahiti to pursue their dreams or your best friend falls in love and you are still single.  In these moments when we should be happy for our friends we sometimes feel that stab of jealousy.  This doesn't have to be a bad thing.  Of course you will congratulate them and support them but it is also an opportunity to look at your own life to see why this jealousy arose.  First of all lean into it, don't deny it, admit it, feel it.  How deep does it go? Is it fleeting or obsessive?  Is it directed at the person or the event?  This inquiry is necessary if you want to figure out what lies beneath.  The next step is to source out what might be missing from your life, what need of yours is not getting met or is there some resentment you are holding on to?  Often times we blame the person, he/she doesn't deserve it, look what he/she had to give up for it, it will never work out, but this is only a way out because we don't want to confront our own feelings.

There is so much to be learned in these situations, do not let these opportunities slip away.  Get quiet, listen to your heart, the answers are there for you.  What you find could change your life.  You might be stuck in a job you dislike, a relationship going nowhere, given up on your dreams or feel you don't deserve good things in your life.  Awareness is huge! You cannot change anything until you are aware of it.  With this awareness you can begin to take steps, one at a time to fill your unmet needs, release your resentment and make the changes you need to, even if it is only your thoughts that need changing. All emotions contain a lesson, learn it or become a slave to them.  I don't know about you but I would much rather learn from them and experience the emotional freedom that comes along with that.  I encourage you - become aware, become an inquirer, become FREE!!

Trust

Depending on what is going on in your life at this moment, the word TRUST may mean something different for each of us.  Regardless of its meaning  the emotion underlying it is very likely FEAR.  As I struggle with my own trust issues I look inside my heart to confront my own fears.  In this particular case it is fear for my emotional safety.  How do you open up to someone and trust them again when that safety has been compromised?  Emotional safety is not something that comes from your mind, it comes from your heart.  You can not "talk yourself out of it", it is either there or it is not you need to FEEL it.

Trust needs to be earned. I remember a very good friend of mine telling me that I was the only person who knew all of her secrets.  When I told her I was honoured by that she said, "you earned it by never judging me".  So what if someone does or says something to change this?  What if they judge you, treat you poorly, let you down or don't support you?  All of these are human reactions and can occur in even the best intentioned people.  So how do you get trust back? Is it possible or should you just accept it and move on? As always I like to look for my answers in the opposites and since the opposite (in my view) of both TRUST and FEAR is FAITH, I will need to call on faith to lead me.  One of my favourite quotes is: "In the end it will all be okay.  If its not okay then it is not the end."  It reminds me that my life here is a journey.  It is not about everything being perfect, it is about learning as much as I can about myself, living my destiny and purpose and in the end hopefully leaving this world a little bit better because I lived.

Today I will trust in the relationship I have with myself, let go of my fear and have faith that all will unfold as it needs to.  I hope you will do the same <3