If you lost a parent or primary caregiver as a child,
whether by death, separation, divorce or emotional unavailability, you will be
familiar with abandonment issues. My Dad
died when I was 10 years old and as my mother struggled to provide for 3 small
children she ended up in a difficult marriage that consumed her emotions. While I have always been aware of my
abandonment issues, I had not fully understood the depths to which we store
these feelings. This week I was
fortunate to touch that place and I wanted to share my story with you in the hope that
if you are living with abandonment issues you will know you are not alone and
that it is possible to heal it.
When my dad was dying, he told my mom in the last month
before he died that he did not want her to bring us to see him. He did not want his daughters to remember him
as the withered away man he was becoming as cancer ravaged his body. As a child I accepted this, as we usually do,
because we trust that our parents know what is best for us. In my 20’s I was able to resolve my “mother
issues” with my Mom after having an open and honest conversation with her about
how I felt, and I am very grateful to her for the beautiful way she handled
it. Unfortunately when someone dies
there is no ability to have this conversation.
I did what many of us do; I talked myself into believing that I was okay
with it all. “Really how did it affect
me?” “He only did what he thought was right”, “I am fine”, “I turned out okay
with no ill effects”. As I became older
and wiser and began my journey of self discovery, I was able to see the ways
that this “abandonment” had played out in my life. This awareness was helpful and comforting,
but was coming from an intellectual place; I had not released it from my
heart.
Abandonment issues will play out differently for all of us,
depending on many factors. In my life
the most recognizable to me was my tendency to close off when people would get close to me - reject before being rejected.
This comes from a fear of being hurt (or abandoned again), it can take
years to get through the layers of hurt, anger and resentment we have built up to
see this fear clearly, but it is necessary for our freedom. I had most
recently become aware of it as I re entered the dating world after 27
years. Thankfully I spent the past
year and a half alone, caring for myself, getting to know myself intimately and
opening to new possibilities. From this centered place, I have been able to see
many of my entrenched patterns and fears and now I was watching them play out
in a new aspect of my life, dating.
As I struggled to manage my feelings around all of this, I realized I needed to do what I tell everyone else to do, look after yourself! So I signed up for Yoga, Books and Wine at my yoga studio,
I had participated before and loved it. The book was Faith by Sharon Salzberg and it seemed I needed to learn
to have some faith in myself! Sitting in
my yoga and meditation room, incense and candles burning, feeling very zen, I
was finishing up the final chapter. As I
read her story about going to see one of her beloved teachers as he was dying,
she wrote these words “I realized it was the first time in my life that I had
been able to say goodbye to someone I loved”. Immediately I was overwhelmed
with emotion; I felt the long buried feelings rising up in my body. Using my Relax and Release technique I
continued to breathe through the emotion, feeling it and allowing it. I allowed the pain to move through me as I
spoke to my dad and to myself. “I
forgive you Dad for doing what you thought was best at the time”, “I have
compassion for 10 year old Tracy that you trusted this was for your own good
and you did not have the ability to voice otherwise”, “I understand that you
have pulled away and closed off and not been honest with yourself for many
years, but again this was the best you knew how to do at the time.” After
this experience, I felt lighter, freer and more open. Using these experiences to deal with and release my stored negative energies has been so beneficial to my life. The gift that we are given by our creation/creator is the ability to feel emotion while in our human experience. But so many times we push it away, the tears, the pain, even the
joy, for what? To look good in others
eyes? To hide our true selves? Because it is uncomfortable? What are we here
on this earth for then? Do we just go
through the motions of life, participating but not appreciating? Do we see but
not experience? For me each time I have been able to understand, release, and
open a little more to my true self, I become more connected to my soul. This in turn makes me feel more connected to
the souls of every living being. It is
this connection that allows us to see each other as parts and extensions of
ourselves, and it is this connection that brings the peace and happiness that
we all desire. Don’t’ shy away from your feelings, don’t suppress them, stand
inside of them, own them and share the beauty you uncover with all of us!
