I just returned from a two and a half week vacation to Bali which included 12 days on a yoga and meditation
retreat. The trip was both a spiritual
and personal journey filled with many insights, but none as profound as my
forgiveness experience.
It was two days into our retreat and I was definitely
struggling. Adjusting to the new food
and not feeling well, adjusting to doing yoga in 30 degree Celsius weather with 95%
humidity and adjusting to being in a group setting with 24 strangers (okay 23
as I was attending with a friend from home!).
Add up all of this adjusting and even meditating (my usual respite) was
challenging, so when the meditation teacher asked if we would be interested in
learning a forgiveness practise I jumped at the chance to have something
specific to focus my mind on. I will
explain the practise first in case any one is interested in trying it
themselves and then share my personal experience with it.
This was our basic instruction – “Start by sitting comfortably,
close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, center yourself by relaxing into
the rhythm of your breath. When you feel
relaxed, bring up a picture of someone who has hurt you; then say silently to
that person – “For all of the hurt you have caused me, whether it was
intentional or unintentional, by your actions, your words or even your
thoughts, I forgive you”. Keep repeating
this phrase several times. The next part
is to picture someone that you have hurt and repeat the same phrase – “For all
of the hurt that I have caused you, whether it was intentional or
unintentional, by my actions, my words or even my thoughts, I ask for your
forgiveness.” The last part is to
picture yourself and repeat the phrase again several times – “For all of the hurt
that I have caused myself, whether it was intentional or unintentional, by my
actions, my words or even my thoughts, I forgive myself.”
It is a beautiful practice, but the first time I did it I
was overwhelmed with emotion. The first
part was easy for me, forgiving someone who has hurt me seemed natural for me, even
forgiving myself (at least at this particular moment in time) was also fairly
easy, but what I was unprepared for was the wellspring of emotion that arose
when I had to ask someone else to forgive me for hurting them. If the physical constriction in my heart and
tears pouring down my face were not enough of an indicator, the overwhelming
feeling of guilt spoke loud and clear about the unresolved emotion that lay
buried deep within. The outer reality is
that this person has told me they have forgiven me many times, I also know in
my heart that they have forgiven me, but what I came to realize after this
experience is that I do not feel deserving of their forgiveness and therefore have
not “received” it into my heart. In the
days ahead, I continued the forgiveness practise and it did become easier (when
the emotion arose I would notice it and breathe through it), I also added into
it a loving kindness practise for myself.
Using the phrase (silently) “May I be gentle and kind to myself” and then
also sending that out to my family and friends and the whole world with “May
all beings be gentle and kind to themselves”.
Ironically I found that as it became easier to ask for forgiveness it
became more difficult to forgive myself, such is the ever changing and always
interesting way of the heart. On the
fifth day of the retreat, after I had had some pretty revolutionary insights,
we had a fire ceremony to release anything that we wanted to let go of, for me
it was guilt and shame. While I have been
aware of my inner guilt and shame and have released it through various ways, it again
reared its ugly head, once again proving how difficult it can be to undo all of
the conditioning that we receive throughout our life. Many times on this journey I have turned to
methods of distraction to not have to deal with these emotions, and although
sometimes a good distraction is in order, there is no way out . . . there is
only going through it. Fortunately for
me this yoga and mediation retreat provided a safe and loving place to find my
way through a few things and I am ever so grateful. I feel such total and absolute relaxation and
peace and I am thankful for having the courage to give myself this wonderful
gift. I truly believe that
looking after yourself is not selfish; it is necessary so that you are able to
offer all of your gifts and love to not only the people you are close to, but also to the whole world, with an open and loving heart.
Sometimes even those of us who are aware of this need a refresher and I
was so happy to have mine in
“May you all be kind and gentle to yourselves” – Much Love,
Tracy
