Resentment and "keeping your power"

I can often be heard telling my friends “take back your power”.  What this means for me is not allowing someone else to affect how I feel.  It can be recognized when you find yourself blaming, complaining, frustrated, resentful, sad or mad. I know this but it is still a work in progress for me. This past weekend I received another example of how I had let go of my own power and the affect it had on me. . .  and it was not pretty!! LOL

I will go back to my words on “choices” we need to remember it is always our choice to make.  I had been feeling for weeks that I needed some time to myself for recharging, but I allowed the responsibilities in my life and my family to prevent me from taking this much needed time out.  I was also expecting someone else to respond to my needs in the way I would respond, this was a big lesson in frustration. I had given up my power.  I was no longer in control of my own life.  I was becoming resentful, angry, frustrated and having difficulty seeing this clearly.  The result was an explosion of epic proportions! But afterwards I felt much better.  The air had been cleared, the eyes opened up and a letting go had occurred. While my goal is to prevent these types of explosions, I am not beating myself up about this one.  I said my apologies to the people affected and feel I learned a valuable lesson on my threshold of tolerance. Sometimes we need to experience our lessons not just sing them. I liked what my “oh so wise” daughter said to me that night after the blow out. “Mom you are not a victim in this, you know what you need to do for yourself”. She is so right, if you are feeling like a victim, feel like you have no control or are looking to someone or something outside yourself to fix this for you then you have given up your power.  Take it back now!  There is always a choice to make.  Now when a friend of mine is late, I prevent resentment by saying “if you are not here by (a specific time) I will leave and we will have to reschedule”, or instead of feeling hurt because a friend has monopolized the conversation, I will say “can we get together I really need someone to talk to”. If I needed a time out what I needed to say was “I’m sorry if you can’t get away at this time, I will take a few days to myself now and then we can plan some time away together when you are free”. There is always a choice to make that meets your need for peace of mind and contentment and allows you to keep your own power, look for it always. You do no one any favours by building up resentment and frustration and it will most likely show up in inappropriate ways (trust me on this one).  So take back your power today, when you feel that little bit of resentment creeping in or feel anger rising up or hear yourself saying, he/she should have, these are your warning signs. STOP. Prevent resentment now. Make the right choice for YOU!

 

I did end up with some time away. . .

to just ENJOY! -Revelstoke, BC

Timing.

I had an awesome sushi date last night with my friend and cousin, Miss Marcie. As we both navigate this path called our lives with many shared ideas and insights I feel blessed to have her on the journey with me.  She shared this wisdom with me and I love it!  So so true.  I usually refer to it as trying to "control" my life, but her words said it better.

 

Let go and trust in the Universe!!



Overcoming Guilt.

Guilt - just the word alone was bringing up a lot of emotion for me.  With the help of my life coach we began to investigate what this was about. Luckily we managed to find the answer in our one hour session.  Just knowing what it was about felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but letting go of it would still take some work. As I was journaling, I wrote GUILT - NEGATIVE,
__________-POSITIVE.  What was the positive emotion that lies opposite guilt?  As we always tend to do these days I started my Google search! I started writing out words that were discussed as opposites to find one that resonated with me.  I tried out a few; self satisfaction, innocent, contentment, acceptance, deserving. Then I read the following entry from a blog post and since I couldn't say it any better myself, I will share it here with you:

What's the opposite of guilty?

I was recently asked a great question ‘What’s the opposite of Guilty?’ I immediately took the context to mean when I feel guilty about something what’s the opposite of that – after a bit of thinking I came up with Contentment – which didn’t really feel quite right and encompassed a lot of other feelings, happy with my decisions, knowing I was doing the right thing, understanding why I was doing what I was doing.

Then the question put to me was ‘isn’t innocence the opposite of guilt?’. Which I couldn’t disagree with and it got me thinking about the difference between being guilty and feeling guilty. The first one could be said to be quite simple – in a court of law it works that you are either one or the other. However, being that us Human beings are complicated creatures, all that changes when we start thinking about how we feel. How often have you gone through a customs check, knowing that you’ve not gone over any limits and yet still walk through feeling guilty!

Feeling guilty can come about when we start living by our should, shouldn’t, must, mustn’t rules which normally means we are looking for someone or something to blame for what is happening, or not happening, around us. As with all our feelings they are manifested by us, we choose how we want to feel, so why would we want to choose to feel guilty if it’s not useful to us?

I think the first part of changing how we feel is to take responsibility for our own actions and understand that in each moment we make the decision and act in a way that feels right in that moment – we may learn afterwards that it wasn’t the best decision and we can decide to do things differently in future, surely this is all about us growing as individuals and blaming ourselves or others will only keep us in the same place – is that useful?

So the next time you feel guilty about something, what are you going to do to change how you feel, what feeling would be more useful to you?

 -copied from blog.essentii.co.uk

In the end the word I chose to put opposite Guilt as the Positive emotion was DESERVING. What do you choose?

 

Mantra: "I certainly know I deserve to manifest instantaneously"

 

Regret.

A friend of mine always says to me after one of my heart felt confessions, “Do you think you will care about that when you are 80 years old?”  I love this; it immediately turns my feeling of regret into a feeling of courage and acceptance.  I try and remember these wise words when I am feeling bad about something I have said or done and I also apply them when I am hesitating about doing something a little scary and outside my comfort zone. Quite often we become so safe and secure in our lives that we stop taking the chances that really push us to FEEL and LIVE.  I know it can be scary to step outside our comfort zone, but isn’t that where growth comes from?  I know it has been for me.  Whenever I have taken a chance, done something scary, broke the rules, pushed the limits, or told someone how I really felt it has always left me with a feeling of being ALIVE. It has also taught me a ton about myself and made me grow in ways I never thought possible.  Worrying about what someone else thinks of our choices often prevents us from taking chances, but if it is important to us then that’s all that should matter.  Everyone has their own idea and threshold of what is outside their comfort zone, so pursue what you need to for yourself and let everyone else do likewise. Do not judge yourself by others standards, or allow them to judge you. What is right for you may not be right for someone else and that's okay. Accept it.

All of the “chances” we take in life become our stories, create your own stories, do not live someone else’s. If you have ever listened to a great storyteller you will know the wonderful feeling a good story can stir up for you.  A good story captivates, motivates and inspires others to want to live fully.  It also allows you to relive those interesting moments in life again and again.  Be that storyteller! Create and share those wonderful moments and interesting experiences that allow you to LIVE FULLY with no REGRET!

 

(Cause we want to hear them too!!)

 

 

Gratitude and Joy.

  The Secret Garden  -“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities.  It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we shall tend.  The invisible underbrush holding us back is our own thoughts.  When we chose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but on the abundance that’s present – love, health, family, friends, work and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure – the wasteland falls away and we experience joy in the real lives we live each day!”  -Sarah Ban Breathnach http://simpleabundance.com/

When I am going through a difficult time, which I am sure you all know well.  Feeling a little sorry for myself, feeling overwhelmed, feeling bored, feeling like I should be doing more (or less), feeling like running away. . . .(add your own!). At this time, I know exactly what I need, I need to go inward.  I need some time to myself for meditation, contemplation and regeneration. One of the first things I will do is reach for my grateful journal.  I read back and remember all of the wonderful things, people and times in my life and I add a few more entries. Then I will spend some time in nature which is very grounding and calming for me.  From this new found clearer perspective I can examine my thoughts and see that I have been allowing that feeling of lack to become my reality when I need to return to the joy of all that is abundant in my life. It seems that when we dwell on the negative we just seem to attract more negative and vice versa for positivity.  This always confirms my belief in the law of attraction.  I can see that I have been caught up in the downward spiral of negativity and I do not like it!!  Do we experience joy in this state? Absolutely not!  The only true way to joy is through gratitude (pleasure is something entirely different and I will talk about that one day).   When we become grateful for what we have in our lives then we are better able to give to others.  When we serve others at the same time that we feel “filled up” in our own lives we will experience that wonderful joy that feeds our souls. We chose abundance over lack!

This principle has been very apparent here in my home city after the flooding we experienced.  People who had not been affected themselves came out by the thousands to help those in need.  They did it because they were grateful for what they had and recognized that the people affected had much less (physically and emotionally).  They came out day after day without complaint and if you asked any one of them they would tell you it was just as rewarding for them as it was for the people they were helping.  And as others saw this spirit of giving it inspired them to help as well.  Yes it was difficult to see all of the devastation and emotional to watch people who lost so much.   But it was also moving to see how the human spirits combined, the fortunate and less fortunate in a dance of gratitude, appreciation and joy. 

Communication. . . .another perspective.

I am currently reading the book “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron and I love it! One of the things that struck me was her definition of introvert and extravert. I have often said there are two types of people, those who look inside themselves for the answers and those who look to others to provide them.  I didn’t realize that this was the psychological principle of introvert and extravert.  I won’t go into to much detail about that right now, but I realized when reading this how difficult it can be to communicate with each other.  I am an introvert operating in the world as an extravert so I do have an understanding of both personalities.  However as someone who looks inside for the answers I can become very frustrated when trying to communicate with an extravert.  I still apply the principles I discussed in my May 24^th post on Communication: 1. remain calm. 2. listen to the other persons perspective and acknowledge my understanding of it or question until I do. 3. make no judgement or assumption. 4. communicate my thoughts/feelings with the best intention. So what happens when this doesn’t work? What answers does the extravert need from me? They don’t actually want my answers, they are just collecting information and will make their own decisions. Nobody has anybody else’s answers, and how each of us arrives at them is not nearly as important as getting them!  This is the lesson for me, while it might not be my way the only important thing is that the end result is the same. Our contribution to the conversation is only to share our perspective (as that is all we know) and then be open to the other's. Trusting that each person we are communicating with has the best intention, is doing the best they can with the information they have and is using their own tools. (Caveat: if the other person does not have the best intention it is imperative that you maintain your boundaries and protect yourself). Ultimately we are all doing what we need to do for ourselves while creating and living in relationships with many different personalities, communication styles and views. This is what makes life interesting and challenges me to continue on my path of personal growth and self development.   As I get to know myself better, I am able to enrich my life, relationships and communication with myself and everyone around me.  Let the growth continue  . . . and never end!

 

post script:  When I have attended dharma talks given by wise sages, I notice how many of them take a moment of silence before they answer a question.  I believe this is to ensure that the words they are about to speak come from the purist intention (after all they are still human with all that entails).  When I have been able to apply this principle and take that moment to center myself and ensure the right intention before I simply "react",  I am always much happier with my spoken words than when they come from reaction only. Give it a try and see if it works for you.

What feeds your soul?

It seems like a simple enough question, but is not always an easy one to answer truthfully and completely.  It has taken me a bit of work to figure it out, so I thought I would share my experience with you in the hope that you will be able to figure out for yourself what feeds your soul. 

I started on my own a few years ago through my yoga and mediation practise by asking myself the following questions:  What am I doing when I feel the happiest? When do I feel the most “like myself? What is the one thing about myself that I love?  What are my gifts? What really matters to me enough that I am willing to sacrifice for it? Friendship? Creative work? Inner peace? Kindness? Creating positive change? Helping people? Getting to the truth?  What I learned from this exercise was that I feel the most like myself when I am in a meaningful conversation with someone, that is also when I feel the happiest. The one thing I love about myself is my understanding and acceptance of others and that what really matters to me is seeing other people (including myself) grow and pursue their dreams.

With the above knowledge firmly in my mind and heart, I went about pursing “what feeds my soul” in a rather haphazard manner! LOL While I knew what I needed, I wasn’t always able to give it to myself.  This caused me much discomfort, but also sent me on a journey of further self discovery that I definitely needed, the timing just needed to be right.  There were a few defining moments of clarity over the years that laid the stepping stones for me to follow so I could cross over the water onto the other side and continue. On the other side I found that insecurity, unworthiness and doubt in myself had crept in and left me struggling with what I knew on the inside and what was happening on the outside. Fortunately I found a coach/guide to assist me in getting back to feeding my soul and keeping me accountable until I learn to hold myself accountable. This process involved a lot of work on looking at myself, what makes me who I am, what I love about myself, how others see me, what I dream about, etc.  which I will talk about more as we go along this journey together.  One thing that was particularly helpful was an exercise I call “10 Things”.  I made a list of “10 things that are important to me”, meditating, yoga, time alone, meaningful conversation, etc. and “10 things that I dream about”, owing a business someplace hot, being an anthropologist, travel to other countries and immerse myself in the culture, live by the water or in nature, etc. It is so easy when you are in crisis to foget what feeds your soul and fall back into insecurity, I found looking back at these “10 things” has helped me refocus and get back to what is important for my own well being. 

Why not start your own journey of self discovery today? Find what feeds your soul by asking yourself the questions  above (this injects the meaning into your life) and making your own “10 Things” list (this helps keep you on track). You are worth it, you deserve it and you will be so much better for all of the people in your life.  Living from your heart and your authentic self not only brings you joy and happiness but also attracts all the right people and events into your life.   Live in communion with your destiny. . . .the journey begins today!