Self Image.

Self image is a hot topic these days.  Body shaming, fitness crazes, celebrity obsession, why are these issues so prevalent in our current society?  Is social media to blame?  Have we become a superficial human race?  Is this only a North American problem or does it happen all over the world?  Most of these issues are concerned with the outer impression of our perceived self image, but as is always the case, whatever is going on on the outside is only a reflection of what is going on in the inside.  Perhaps instead of addressing the outer issue of self image we should first look on the inside.

Take a few minutes to contemplate how you have arrived at your inner self image.  Do you consider yourself a nice person, an angry person, an intelligent person, a nurturer, a provider?  We have all created a persona, based on belief’s we have about ourselves.  So how did we create these belief’s?  Were we born with them, did we learn them in childhood or in adulthood?  Have any of these belief’s changed over the years, or have they remained the same?  How have these belief’s shaped my life, my relationships, my job choices?  After some time contemplating these questions I realized that many of these belief’s I had created about myself were no longer serving me.  I wondered how I had come to create them and if they could be changed.  You can start by watching and listening to your language and your thoughts.  Do you say/think things like, “that’s just the way I am”, “I am a responsible person”, “I wish I wasn't a procrastinator”, “I am a worrier”, “I need to be needed”, anything that involves the word (or letter I guess) I.  This is the self image you have created for yourself.  But what if I told you that this self image is who you WERE not who you ARE?  What if you could no longer identify yourself as any of these things?  Who would you be?  I find this question very exciting, but I know many of you will not.  We hold onto these concepts and ideas of ourselves because it provides protection from the unknown.  If we are certain of who we are then we can behave in ways that align with this concept and that gives us a sense of comfort.  In order to embark on this journey you will need to get comfortable with the unknown and you will need to let go of fear.  But how exciting would it be to be able to create yourself every minute of the day? To adapt to an ever changing set of circumstances, to see things with a new set of eyes, to stop the incessant thoughts of not good enough, not smart enough, not successful enough . . .

So much of our mental noise and suffering comes from our perceived failure to live up to our own created self image.  How crazy is that?  Even crazier to me is how we created that self image. We took things that people said to us, our parents, teachers and bosses and decided that they must be right.  Does that make sense to you?  Even if they were right at that particular time, are they still right today?  This is how it happens:  I became aware a few years ago that I was obsessed with numbers.  I judged everything in life based on numbers.  I calculated, analyzed and placed almighty importance on whether or not the numbers added up.  One day I thought, why am I so obsessed with numbers?  Was I like this as a child? Definitely not.  When did this change?  I recalled an incident that occurred at my first job out of college.  I was working at the bank and in the first few months I struggled to balance my cash.  After a 3 month probationary period I was called into the manager’s office and told that they would need to extend my probation to see if my balancing improved otherwise they would have to let me go. The fear of losing my job after it had taken months to land one, led to the creation of my belief that the numbers need to be “right” for me to be safe.  Over the years I had solidified this belief by my perception that in all cases, if the numbers came out right, then everything else worked out.  What I was missing out on was seeing the benefit of creative pursuits.  I had been talking about starting up a business women’s group but had not been able to follow through on it because I was so concerned about the numbers, ie. if 20 women did not show up the first night I would be disappointed.  Once I let go of the numbers I was able to pursue my dream of creating a business women’s group for self employed women to share their struggles and successes.  Ironically we are now a tight knit group of 6 women which we all prefer it because everyone has a voice, which probably wouldn't have happened if the group was larger.  When I have been able to identify when and why I created a belief, I am able to rationalize and see that I am no longer that same person or child and that it was only the circumstances AT THAT time that led to it.  If we can recognize our patterns and pin point the moment when we first believed that this behavior would “save” us, we can then change it.  Another example was my recognition of being a caregiver and having to look after everyone else at the expense of my own needs.  I become resentful, victimized and powerless and this did not feel good.  Again upon contemplation I remembered an incident at my father’s funeral when I was 11 years old.  My aunt came to me and said now it is just you and your Mom and you need to look after her.  My Mom remarried a short time later and it was a difficult marriage for her. In my 11 year old mind I did not feel that I had done a good job of looking after my Mom and this guilt led me to spend many years trying to make up for it by looking after everyone else. I was often in “rescuer/victim” relationships and friendships where I could play out this role.  Once I had this awareness I was able to understand that it was not my “job” at 11 years old to look after my Mom and I could forgive 11 year old Tracy for what she saw as a failure. 

Thankfully I have been able to do this work and free myself from many of my patterns and created beliefs.  I do understand though, through my own experience, that many of the ideas and concepts we have created are very difficult to break free from even with awareness.  The conditioning, the circumstances, the words, the actions, are often buried very deep, they also bring a sense of comfort because good or bad it is what we know.  I have learned to do this work with compassion and gentleness for myself and recognize that it may take months and even years to fully release some ideas and concepts, and that’s okay – Rome wasn't built in a day!  I can tell you that the peace and contentment I have found from releasing even part of my self image and being free to just BE has brought me much happiness.  It has reduced my obsessive thinking to a manageable level; it has helped me grow and evolve as a person and has brought the right people and events into my life.  I am filled with a sense of love for myself and others and feel fully present in my life for the first time. Clearing out the self image of who you WERE and being open to being who you ARE is the path to freedom.  My wish for you all is that you take a step on that path today by using this affirmation that I say to myself every day (or many times a day!)

Onward and upward fellow path travellers.

Learning to be kind and gentle to myself – My Smile Practice.

I am not one of those openly self deprecating people, I don’t call myself stupid, admonish myself for making a mistake, or discuss the many ways I should be a better person.  My self deprecation comes in the form of expectations of myself and holding myself to a standard that I would never hold someone else to.  I had some really good awareness of this one morning during a beach side meditation in Bali and it led to me creating what I call My Smile Practice.  I have now had an opportunity to apply it in my everyday life so wanted to share it with you, because it works! 

On the outside our lives can look wonderful; I have two beautiful children who are grown up which gives me a lot of freedom.  I have a job I love, an amazing family, fabulous friends, a beautiful home and the ability to travel and enjoy the many pleasures that are available in this beautiful country.  But on the inside I was suffering at the hands of myself.  I had expectations of myself that to be honest came from a fear of not being good enough (another good realization I had in Bali).  What I realized is that the more I resisted what I considered to be unspiritual like thoughts or behaviors the more they persisted.  I often talk in my blog about triple A - Aware, Accept, Allow, but I wasn't always very good at the allowing part!!  So I devised this practice:  when I become aware of a negative thought, I label it and begin smiling.  I acknowledge “competitive”, “jealous”, “frustration”, “anger”, etc, and then I accept it. It is only what I am feeling in this moment and that’s okay (I am human after all!). Smiling reminds me to allow it with compassion for myself (as soon as I do this I get a very peaceful feeling in my heart). 

Learning compassion through this practice has helped me be kinder and gentler to myself and I have been less likely to “react”, “distract” and “obsess”.  Accepting that what I am feeling in the present moment is only that - a feeling in the present moment.  There is no need to attach to it, I don’t need to DO anything with it, it doesn't make me a “bad” person, it just is. The same applies to “good” feelings, when we feel happy, joyful and filled with love, we can enjoy and appreciate that right now this is how we feel.  There is no need to cling to it, wish it would last forever or expect it to be our new way of being (again we are human!) which only leads to disappointment later.  We are spiritual beings having a human experience, understanding this on a deep level has allowed me to be more present and accepting of every moment and of myself. When I began this journey a few years ago my goal was to “live my life to the fullest”, at that time I thought that meant having grand adventures, travelling to far off places, jumping out of airplanes, driving a motorcycle, being spontaneous, etc. but what I have learned is that the way to live your life to the fullest is to be fully present for ALL of it.  There is nothing to DO, Just BE.

May you all be compassionate and loving to yourselves. . . .  and smile!

Forgiveness . . . learned in Bali!

I just returned from a two and a half week vacation to Bali which included 12 days on a yoga and meditation retreat.  The trip was both a spiritual and personal journey filled with many insights, but none as profound as my forgiveness experience.

It was two days into our retreat and I was definitely struggling.  Adjusting to the new food and not feeling well, adjusting to doing yoga in 30 degree Celsius weather with 95% humidity and adjusting to being in a group setting with 24 strangers (okay 23 as I was attending with a friend from home!).  Add up all of this adjusting and even meditating (my usual respite) was challenging, so when the meditation teacher asked if we would be interested in learning a forgiveness practise I jumped at the chance to have something specific to focus my mind on.  I will explain the practise first in case any one is interested in trying it themselves and then share my personal experience with it.

This was our basic instruction – “Start by sitting comfortably, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, center yourself by relaxing into the rhythm of your breath.  When you feel relaxed, bring up a picture of someone who has hurt you; then say silently to that person – “For all of the hurt you have caused me, whether it was intentional or unintentional, by your actions, your words or even your thoughts, I forgive you”.  Keep repeating this phrase several times.  The next part is to picture someone that you have hurt and repeat the same phrase – “For all of the hurt that I have caused you, whether it was intentional or unintentional, by my actions, my words or even my thoughts, I ask for your forgiveness.”  The last part is to picture yourself and repeat the phrase again several times – “For all of the hurt that I have caused myself, whether it was intentional or unintentional, by my actions, my words or even my thoughts, I forgive myself.”

It is a beautiful practice, but the first time I did it I was overwhelmed with emotion.  The first part was easy for me, forgiving someone who has hurt me seemed natural for me, even forgiving myself (at least at this particular moment in time) was also fairly easy, but what I was unprepared for was the wellspring of emotion that arose when I had to ask someone else to forgive me for hurting them.  If the physical constriction in my heart and tears pouring down my face were not enough of an indicator, the overwhelming feeling of guilt spoke loud and clear about the unresolved emotion that lay buried deep within.  The outer reality is that this person has told me they have forgiven me many times, I also know in my heart that they have forgiven me, but what I came to realize after this experience is that I do not feel deserving of their forgiveness and therefore have not “received” it into my heart.  In the days ahead, I continued the forgiveness practise and it did become easier (when the emotion arose I would notice it and breathe through it), I also added into it a loving kindness practise for myself.  Using the phrase (silently) “May I be gentle and kind to myself” and then also sending that out to my family and friends and the whole world with “May all beings be gentle and kind to themselves”.  Ironically I found that as it became easier to ask for forgiveness it became more difficult to forgive myself, such is the ever changing and always interesting way of the heart.  On the fifth day of the retreat, after I had had some pretty revolutionary insights, we had a fire ceremony to release anything that we wanted to let go of, for me it was guilt and shame.  While I have been aware of my inner guilt and shame and have released it through various ways, it again reared its ugly head, once again proving how difficult it can be to undo all of the conditioning that we receive throughout our life.  Many times on this journey I have turned to methods of distraction to not have to deal with these emotions, and although sometimes a good distraction is in order, there is no way out . . . there is only going through it.  Fortunately for me this yoga and mediation retreat provided a safe and loving place to find my way through a few things and I am ever so grateful.  I feel such total and absolute relaxation and peace and I am thankful for having the courage to give myself this wonderful gift.  I truly believe that looking after yourself is not selfish; it is necessary so that you are able to offer all of your gifts and love to not only the people you are close to, but also to the whole world, with an open and loving heart.  Sometimes even those of us who are aware of this need a refresher and I was so happy to have mine in Bali!!

“May you all be kind and gentle to yourselves” – Much Love, Tracy

Cleansing. You cleanse your body, but do you cleanse your mind?

It’s a new year and so many people I know are doing a “cleanse”.  You know, the kind that involves food sacrifices and discipline?  If you make it through the 10 – 14 days you feel great (I’m not sure if that is a result of the physical cleansing or the sense of accomplishment, but equally worthy!) if you don’t you will berate yourself and make all kinds of promises to do better next time.  While I am a big supporter of cleansing the body, I also believe it is equally important to cleanse the mind.  It is interesting to me  that people are willing to use their will power to improve their physical self, but ask them if they meditate or practice mindfulness and they will say “I can’t do that, my mind is too busy”.  The problem is there is a direct connection between mind and body, as much research has proven, so you will never achieve a true “cleanse” until you do BOTH. 

So why are we willing to use sacrifice and discipline for our body but not our mind?  We all seem to be a little afraid of what might “come up” if we cleanse our mind.  We are okay to handle the physical symptoms (which if you have ever done one you will be well aware of!) of the cleanse but not the emotional ones.  Much of this is based on our western cultural belief’s.  We have been taught to place more value on the physical/material world than on the mental/emotional/spiritual one.  We have survived as a culture based on this belief, but does it provide REAL fulfillment? If you are interested in living a cleaner more fulfilled life then you must incorporate mental and emotional cleansing into your detox program.

The Mind Cleanse:  Start by incorporating 15 – 20 minutes of silence into your daily routine.  Create a retreat space in your home or nature that will allow you to just be with yourself (You are going to need to become your own best friend!).  Take a few deep breaths, relax and be aware of your body in space and time.  Close your eyes, focus on the spot between your eyebrows, as thoughts arise notice them and say “thinking” and let them go, continue to watch these thoughts, no judgement, just become the silent observer.  By doing this mindfulness practice in silence you will learn how to do it in every minute of your day, well most of them anyway! When you become a really good “observer”, both in silence and out in the “real” world, you will feel as if you are watching a movie and you are the main character.  You will become curious about the story line and that’s when you are ready for emotional cleansing.

The Emotional Cleanse:  As the experienced observer of your thoughts and mind you will now be able to watch your emotions arise (this is a little more challenging as it is easy to lose our focus at these times, but I know you can all do it, if I can you can!). You will still feel the heat of anger, the hurt of disappointment, the stabs of jealousy, but you will not be over taken by them, you will simply notice them (they are part of the movie).  The process of emotional cleansing is three fold; be AWARE of the emotion, this is that moment of inner recognition – “I am angry”, then ACCEPT that this is what you are feeling in the moment – “I am feeling angry right now and that’s okay”.  Just be curious about it, feel how it feels in your body say “isn't that interesting?”. And finally ALLOW the emotion to move through you and not become stuck.  Relax your body, take a few deep breaths and release, visualize the negative energy moving out of your body. This will be tough in the beginning believe me I've been there, but use that will power and discipline to keep at it because it does get easier.  

By not “reacting” and being taken over by your emotions your gift will be greater clarity, clearer understanding and deeper compassion for yourself and others.  You will then be able to respond to each emotional situation from a centered and grounded place.  In my experience the greatest benefit of this has been no more guilt for what I said or did in the “heat of the moment”.

Today I challenge you to consider whether or not you are spending more time, discipline and sacrifice on your physical self and if so make a choice to give equal time (as they are equally important) to your mental/emotional self.  Creating that mind body balance will bring the clean, fulfilled and peaceful life that we all desire and deserve!

Cleanse on my friends!!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year friends!

The New Year always seems to bring with it a little more optimism from people, it feels like we all get a fresh start in life, a new beginning.  This is the perfect opportunity to really be honest with yourself about what you would like to say goodbye to from the previous year and what you want to say hello to in the new one.  I started doing this last year, and interestingly when I read it this year as I prepared to write my new one I was surprised to see that I had indeed let go of everything on my goodbye list and had realized all of the things on my hello list.  It was amazing to me that this had happened despite the fact that I had not looked at the list since I had written it one year ago, that is the power of intention!

Today I would like to challenge all of you to do the same, get honest, get real and make a list of what you would like to let go of from 2014 and what you want to say hello to in 2015.  Together lets grow, experience and create real change for ourselves and our lives in 2015!!

My wish for everyone for the new year:  Fall intimately in love with yourself and share that love with the world! Together we can raise the vibration of the Universe and make real lasting change in a world that is all to often plagued by fear and hate. What do we have to lose? Lets go for it! 

Communication. Is it always a two way street?

First of all sorry my friends for being away from my blog for so long, the process of selling our family home and finding a new one for myself was not only time consuming but also emotional. I am happy to report that I have made it to the other side and am looking forward to finalizing the transition some time in February!

As I become more and more comfortable living from my authentic self, I am fascinated by so many aspects of our human existence.  One thing that has captivated me over the past few weeks is being aware of the human communication process.  As I get better and better at no longer taking things personally or making assumptions I feel I am able to have a more “true” communication with others, or at least that is what I thought.  What I learned is that no matter how authentic your own communication is you have no idea how it is being perceived.  This became clear to me when on several occasions my friends would say that I said something specific.  Immediately I thought “I don’t think that’s what I said” and wondered why and how that could happen.  I began to realize that we “hear” what others say based on what is going on in our own minds at that particular time.  I began to be aware of this in my conversations and could often recognize it in another.  Of course at this point I didn't recognize it in myself!!  One day my daughter was telling me about a dream that she had, at the time I was very preoccupied with how my children were feeling about their Mom starting to date. When she finished her story I said “wow isn't that interesting how your dream seems to signify how you feel about me dating and your trying to protect me?”  (Boy was I wrong and thankfully my daughter was able to point this out to me right away!) She replied, “Mom it has nothing to do with you it was about ME” (thanks sweetie!)  Luckily I was aware enough to recognize that I had just done exactly the same thing that I was observing in others.  I loved this experience because it was humbling and I learned so much from it.  It made me realize that often I was putting my own spin on what others were saying and considering this reality when in fact it was only MY reality.  I also understood that when others are challenging me on one of my opinions or views, it is their reality and not mine (don’t take it personally!).  I still always give consideration to others opinions and views because often there is something I can learn, but fortunately I no longer take them as gospel.  I give them consideration and contemplation but at the end of the day I honor what feels right for ME.  Self love and feeling comfortable with who you are gives you the confidence to know that you are being authentic in your communication and that your intention comes from love, how this is perceived by others is out of our control.  This took me a long time to learn as I used to feel that others responded to me based on what I said (and was always trying so hard to say the right thing).  In reality it had nothing to do with me; they responded based on what was going on for them.  How liberating and freeing is that?!  When you are in a healthy relationship or friendship you should be able to challenge each other on your communication differences in a mutually supportive and loving way.  If you are not able to have this kind of healthy communication then Number 1, look to yourself first.  Figure out what is going on for you, why you are reacting, what belief is being triggered, are you distracted, etc. In the same way that we cannot control another’s perception we also cannot blame them for it.  Figure out your part in the play, and let others play their own, that is the only way to a successful ending!

This morning as I was re reading “The Four Agreements”, I thanked the Universe for sending me this gift (I found the book in a box I was cleaning out).  All four of the agreements speak to what I have been talking about above.  When I first read this book, years ago, I remember thinking that I needed to TRY harder to live them.  Today I realized that through my own journey to self love and living authentically I began living them without trying. And that is the path of least resistance!

Pain and Suffering

Just the title of this post reminds me of my Catholic upbringing, how we were taught that to suffer would bring us closer to God.  I have to be honest this never really sat well with me, I always thought that the God I believed in did not want us to suffer he wanted only our happiness.  As I followed my own personal journey of spirituality, my belief’s evolved and I came to believe that God lives in each one of us and that Universally God is the connection of all of our souls. I make this point why?  A couple of months ago I created the intention to open up my heart, and the Universe did exactly as it always does and gave me some challenges to show me what an open heart was and how to experience it.  These challenges led to a lot of emotional pain and suffering, not surprising as my heart opening required me to deal with and release a lot of deep seated fears. When I was able to release these fears and open my heart I experienced such a deep feeling of love and openness that at times it made me cry with joy.  It was in these moments that I found myself being grateful for the suffering.  One day in my book club I was relaying this story and found myself actually saying “I am so grateful for this pain and suffering”, I could not believe I had uttered those words having admonished many a religious follower for saying them. Upon some further contemplation I could see that it was true, the suffering had brought me closer to God which to me means my soul/true self/spirit/light, (whatever your own word is) by providing me the opportunity to learn and grow.  We had also discussed in book club how actually most of the spiritual and religious teachings all have the same message, we just see things through our own percepticals based on our culture, conditioning, etc. If we could take our percepitcals off for just a few minutes (what I believe is one of the great benefits of meditation) and see with an open heart maybe there would be a lot less suffering in the world.  While I am grateful for the lessons learned through my own pain and suffering I am confident that as I evolve personally and spiritually this pain will lessen.  Can you find a lesson in your pain? Can you learn and grow from it? Then open your heart to receive what your own God has to offer. I say YES YOU CAN!  

(Thanks for sharing this quote Neil, I am borrowing it!)