The need to be right.

 I have been contemplating the need to be right for a few years now and this morning I had some new awareness around it.  Maybe the need to be right is really just the need to be heard. I have done a lot of work healing my childhood hurts, many of them the result of adults not “hearing” us when we say “I am scared”, “I don’t want to do that”, etc. As adults when children say this to us, we just want to fix it for them, but what they hear is “its not okay to feel what I feel”.  And so, I went back to these moments in time and felt the hurt, forgave the adult, and forgave myself for believing that my feelings did not matter. But I did not really put it all together until this morning.  I do have a strong need to be right, always have, I have strong opinions and am not afraid to speak my truth, but often times this turns into a situation of “I am right, and you are wrong”. I have now learned to say “we can agree to disagree”, but I think there is more here then meets the eye. I thought about all the times when someone strongly disagreed with my opinion and could feel that it felt the same as not being heard. If someone said to me, “I can see why you believe that, but I don’t agree with all of it” or “I don’t have enough information to talk about this further”, it totally diffused the situation.  But if both of us were caught up in the need to be heard, in reality, neither one of us was!! Lol

 Considering the divisiveness that is going on in the world today I have been interested in why we have developed this us against them culture, and wonder if it has something to do with this.  I have long felt that many people are disconnected from themselves, from their authenticity, their truth, their soul.  Maybe this need to be right is just the need to be heard.  And so, you ask the question, heard by whom? Would it make a difference if everyone saw it our way? Would that bring us peace and happiness? To some degree yes it would, but at some point, that “right” is going to change if you are relying on something outside of yourself to tell you if it is right or not. I believe that who we most need to hear us, is ourselves.  By being true to the truth of our Being, we no longer need something or someone outside of us to make it so.  How many ways do we not “hear” ourselves; when we put others needs before our own, when we are hurt but do not express it, when we feel sadness, joy, happiness, grief, or despair and pretend that we don’t out of concern for others opinions, put unrealistic expectations on ourselves, I could go on and on, speaking from experience 😉 . . . . but I guess what I am trying to decide for myself and maybe that would explain it for others too, is if I listened to myself, if I made my feelings important, if I spoke my truth fearlessly, would I no longer have the need to be right?  Could I post a comment on a social media post that just stated my opinion without making the other person wrong? Could I have a debate on a hot topic and not have my nervous system go crazy? Would I stop my righteous indignation at the media when I do not agree with them?  Only time and awareness will tell.

 Much Love,

Tracy

ROADS

Before COVID many of us were driving down the road of life, eyes down always looking ahead. Sometimes the road got rough and we slowed down, other times we were speeding along, enjoying the wind in our hair. Sometimes we stopped to get out; for a trip, a wedding or other event, but we always got back in and started down that road again.

When COVID hit, suddenly we couldn't see down the road very far so we lifted our heads and looked around. What we saw were many different side roads that we hadn't noticed before as well as a big parking lot. Some of us chose to take a side road; learning a new process or skill set we hadn't considered. Some of us were forced down one of those roads, adapting to new ways and protocols. And others pulled over into that parking lot and made a choice to wait it out and watched others drive by, either with criticism or encouragement. What we all forgot in that moment is that all roads lead to the same place - EVOLUTION.

Evolution of mind, evolution of body and evolution of spirit.

When the urgency of COVID is over there will be much discussion about it all. But one thing will be certain, each one of us and the collective will have grown; and the process of evolution will continue as it has for millions of years. So we can choose to see the good or the bad, the positive or the negative, the kindness of people or the selfishness. . . . But hopefully we can all see the wisdom of this shared experience, and come out of it just a little more EVOLVED.

Much love.

Is needing acceptance making you invisible in the world?

This morning I was listening to a Jim Carrey speech on You Tube and he said something that struck me, he said “needing acceptance is making you invisible in the world”.  I am not sure why this spoke to me, but it reminded me of something I had also heard Dr Zach Bush, MD say about when he was working ER and they brought someone back to life, the first words out of that persons lips were always “why did you bring me back? I have never felt so loved and accepted”.

This led me to remember another thing I had heard as I was contemplating why it is so difficult for us to do things that are good and healthy for ourselves.  A teacher I follow said it is because we are taught at a very young age that what we do has more value if it is recognized by others. 

It got me thinking, what do these three memories have in common and what guidance are they here to provide me?

Perhaps what we are seeking from somewhere or someone outside of ourselves, we already have and just aren’t aware of it, and if so what are the barriers to seeing/experiencing it?

Maybe my purpose in the world is not to be the best person I can be, maybe I already am.

Maybe the person I am showing the world is not really my true self.

Maybe I am still a scared child waiting for repercussions.

Maybe it is only my minds perception that I am not accepted for who I really am.

Maybe I am already loved and accepted for exactly who I am, but my self doubt and judgement is making it impossible to feel.

Maybe if I get quiet and still enough, I will feel that love and acceptance.

Maybe if I turn off the constant self criticism, I will remove one barrier.

Maybe if I accept myself exactly as I am right now, I will remove another barrier.

And maybe if I love myself, despite my perceived mistakes, flaws, and judgements, past and present.

Then maybe, just maybe, I will remove one hell of a big barrier.

Maybe One just needs to have Faith!

 I’m sorry. 

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

When is enough ENOUGH?

 Lately I have been contemplating the word “enough”, it originally came up to me when I became aware of my own behaviors and other peoples, that screamed “I am not enough”.  I found this sad; why do we all feel like we are not enough? Have enough? Do enough? Be enough?  I wondered; is this a human construct, a societal construct, a religious construct?

Why do people live in 100 million dollar houses while others live in garbage bins?

Why do we idolize movie stars, professional athletes, billionaires?

Why do people give up their own needs to constantly help others and turn them into projects?

Why do we want to make other people wrong and ourselves right?

Why are we dissatisfied with our work, our homes, our community, our world?

Why do we need to tell everyone what good we are doing, or post it on social media?

Why do we criticize and judge other people for the same insecurities that we do not want to admit to in ourselves?

Why do we overspend and then beat ourselves up for it later? Or hoard and stock up?

Why do we watch other people do good deeds and feel like we need to do the same or more?

Why are we in competition with others we see on social media or television, and constantly compare?

Why do we feel like if we have more money, travel more, shop more, have a different partner . . .  we will be happy?

When is enough ENOUGH?

What would happen if we all brought some awareness to this issue, could we slowly but surely become happy with what we have, where we live, who we are?

Would we stop judging, hoarding, comparing, overspending, indulging . . .  would we be happier, content, more peaceful?

Can we BE happy with “right now”, with “what we have”, with “who we are”?

When I can . . .  then enough will be ENOUGH for me.

The Mystery of Stress

What does stress mean to you?  This word is used a lot in our society, but do we really understand what it is?  To be honest, I don’t think I have really understood it until recently.  Sometimes it is hard to differentiate what our own thoughts and feelings are towards something, with what society and our past conditioning tells us we should think and feel.  It becomes so “normal” for us to see things a certain way that we lose the clarity of our own authentic self. 

Recently a few friends have been experiencing some health issues that are supposed to be related to “stress”.  However, these individuals don’t feel like they are “stressed”, they aren’t over worked, they aren’t dealing with any difficult family situations, they are comfortable in their relationships, so why are they experiencing stress related illness.  I have been contemplating this in others and in myself as I have had the same illnesses appear from time to time.  Today I had some insight into what the worst type of “stress” is – it is the stress we put on ourselves!  We tend to think about stress as something that is happening outside of ourselves, but what about what is going on in the inside.  Are you judging yourself? Are you beating yourself up about something? Do you feel like you could BE better, DO better?  To be honest I am starting to think that this stress is far more damaging then the “outside” stressors.  Things outside of ourselves are always changing, there is an ebb and flow to life.  But is there an ebb and flow in our inner world, or are we just repeating the same “tapes” in our heads?

Over the last couple of months I have been very busy with work (tax time!), and even though it would appear that I have been under a lot of “stress”, I can tell you that this stress has been no where near as difficult to deal with as the stress that I have been putting on myself.  This morning thanks to some downtime and clarity and examining my judgement of another, I was able to see how harshly I have been judging myself.  One of the most important things in my life is my meditation and contemplation time, it is the Essence of who I am.  Yet over the past few months I have been judging myself for being lazy, unmotivated and complacent (even despite how hard I have been working, so CRAZY!).  All of this has been happening on the inside, largely unknown to myself and probably others.  Ironically, it wasn’t until I took the time to be “lazy, unmotivated and complacent” (sarcasm) that I realized how much discomfort this was causing me.  I remember as a child always being called lazy or a dreamer; being contemplative wasn’t a valued trait in the era I grew up in!!   I created a belief as a child that I was lazy and that wasn’t a good thing.  Even though my authentic self needs downtime and I feel the most myself when I am just BEING, this isn’t largely valued by our current society and certainly not by my parents and teachers at the time I grew up. It is such a challenge to examine these habitual patterns of behavior, but I am so glad I have learned this skill.  All of the great spiritual teachers will tell you that the path to living your authentic self is not an easy one, and they are definitely right about that! I know this will probably come back up for me at sometime, as we do tend to forget (which is a big reason I write this blog, so I can read it later and remind myself!) but I am hoping that this realization will create a little bit of change for me and allow me to continue on my path to wholeness.  Accepting and loving everything about myself is my motivation and my passion and I am always excited for these experiences of insight!!  Thanks for reading and for allowing me to share my “whole” self with you <3.

Much Love,

Tracy

FEMININE RISING

It is such an interesting time to be a woman, although I feel like many of us aren’t yet certain what all of this is about.  We know things are changing yet we struggle with our own feelings about this change, we aren’t sure how to have difficult conversations, what we have been taught doesn’t seem to make sense, we feel strongly about some issues and not so much about others, we aren't certain if we should we be "doing" something.  All of this is necessary when going through a period of transition, what we are experiencing are the growing pains of the rising of the of the Feminine Era. We have lived in a patriarchal society for thousands of years, but it is necessary for the evolution of the human species and the society we live in that we continue our growth through the rising of the Feminine. 

Over the past 50 years women have fought for equality by mainly using the masculine traits, by hardening, being assertive, logical, doing, achieving and by using power and control.  This was necessary for many of us to make the inroads that we have, however it has exhausted us as well. Now it is time for us to relax and rest in our true nature, and understand that our strength, and what will make us the leaders of the future, are our Feminine traits. Connection, emotion, intuition, creativity, being, nurturing, working together, using understanding and community to effect the changes we so desperately want and need.  It is also a call for men to value their feminine traits, this isn’t an us against them scenario, this is everyone working together for the common good.  This is about using a balance of masculine and feminine skills to build something where EVERYONE has a voice, where we may not always agree, but we are still able to live in harmony. Instead of fighting for “our” side are we able to look deeper?  Are we able to see that everyone at the deepest level wants the same thing, it is FEAR that creates the need for control.  Only understanding, openness and kindness will allow this FEAR to dissipate, not more power and control!

Change must begin in OUR own hearts, before we can expect others to embrace the strength of the feminine, we must embrace and respect these qualities in ourselves and each other.  We must see the tears of our emotions as kindness and understanding, we must see our softness and affection as an open entry for healing ourselves and others, we must see our nurturing as necessary for cultivating growth and change, we must see our receptivity as an invitation to others to share their gifts, and we must see intuition is our guide for all decision making. I understand that this will be a challenge for many, we have been taught that these traits are only valuable within our family.  But it is time for the world to see that these same qualities that create the safety and comfort of our family and our homes can also create the safety and comfort of the world we live in. Let us make it so!

Much love,

Tracy

What is the Essence of YOU?

A few years back at a dinner party I asked a few quests, “what is the essence of you?”, “what is the one thing that if someone said you cannot be or do any more you would rather die?”.  Their answers were things like, “my relationship with my husband”, “my children and family”, “working with the disadvantaged”.  But none of these answers really addressed my question, I asked “what is the essence of YOU?”.  It struck me how few people really know themselves.  Since the suicide of my husband, in my quest to try and understand it (which I know intellectually I never will), I have read many articles about depression.  One common thread I found is that people experiencing depression often don’t really know themselves and this unknowing often manifests as hatred of oneself or the inability to tolerate life (sometimes covered up by other behaviors such as addiction, superiority, overhelping, etc).   (Please note I said one common thread, I am by no means an expert on depression and this is only my interpretation based on my life experience and where I am currently at on my journey).

Why is it so hard to get to know ourselves?

Yesterday my daughter said she read somewhere “happiness is not a permanent state but wholeness is”.  We know this to be true because we have ALL had times of happiness but we have also had times of sadness, anger, frustration and disappointment. And yet we continue to seek this temporary state again and again and put little to no effort into finding wholeness.   Is it a lack of understanding of what wholeness is or how to achieve it?  Is it fear that if we do see our wholeness we won’t like it and others definitely won’t? Probably something different for each one of us.  So how do we teach this to people? How do we bring awareness to it?  Do people really care or are we just living in a superficial world going through the motions of life with little understanding of why? And okay with that?

Dictionary.com definition of wholeness: (as a noun) – the whole assemblage of parts or elements belonging to a thing; the entire quantity, account, extent or number. -A thing complete in itself, or comprising all its parts or elements. -An assemblage of parts associated or viewed together as one thing; a unit or system.

My definition of wholeness:  the ability to know yourself on a deep level, to be able to acknowledge your good and not so good qualities.  To be able to self access your reactions and responses and find the things inside yourself that need healing and give yourself the time and space to heal them.  To be totally honest with yourself, even when it would be easier to blame another. To love all of yourself, including the things that you don’t like or don’t want to show the outside world (watch for this info in your judgement of others).  And last but not least; to have compassion for ALL of yourself ALWAYS.

Would you rather spend your life energy looking for a temporary state of happiness or would you be willing to put some effort into using it to find your wholeness?  You’re answer to this question may surprise you, and so might your answer to What is the Essence of YOU?

Much love,

Tracy